The following is a recommendation from the business manager of Monarch Books.
"Monarch Books should open a café in its store to attract more customers and better compete with Regal Books, which recently opened a café. Monarch, which has been in business at the same location for more than twenty years, has a large customer following because it is known for its wide selection of books on all subjects. Opening the café would clearly attract more customers. The café would require relatively little space. Space could be made for the café by discontinuing the children's book section, which will likely become less popular given that the last national census indicated a significant decline in the percent of the population who are under age ten."
The business manager recommends that for the purpose of attracting more customers and make more profits through the competition with a new cafe called Regal Books, a cafe should be opened in Monarch Books’ store. The manager reasons that because Monarch has had a good reputation in variety selection of books for years, the operation of the cafe will make it more popular. Apart from that, to support the recommendation the manager also indicates that children’s book section within little space, seemingly less popular area, would be superseded by the construction of the cafe. Citing the recent national census, the manager points out that the percentage of the group under age ten decline significantly. But the recommendation fails to be persuasive as the assumption upon which it is based do no link with the manager’s conclusion.
First of all, the manager provides absolutely no evidence that Monarch and Regal are comparable at every aspects. Even assuming that Monarch’s operation of cafeteria could be compared with Regal ’s, the recommendation unfairly assume that scope of store and service quality in both stores would be similar as well. Perhaps the small scope and general service in Regal is better served for its target customers,which may not be in the same group as that in Monarch. For that matter, perhaps this kinds of service is not suitable for Monarch’s target customers who might require more individualized experience,whereas quite big operation scope of cafe with variety selection and personal service would be a better attraction for them.In short, without accounting for possible differences between Monarch and Regal the manager cannot convince me that his goal of recommendation is sound.
Also considering the case of cutting out the children’s book section for opening the cafe, the positive effect is evident to see while the negative impact cannot be overlooked. Even though Monarch may save the cost to expand the space for construction, the close of the children area may loss customers like someone with the whole family or some pupils after school. Moreover, the budget of opening the cafe may contain the possible costs of reconstruction,which would have a downward impact on the overall profit of Monarch before the cafe opens.
Finally,the fact in the national census the manager cites would not be so convincing to explain the unpopularity of the children’s book section. There is no sufficient evidence the children under age ten would be the representative of the overall target audience in the children ‘s book section. In addition, although the dramatically decline in the population of the children under age ten is prove, the total number of children may increase.Therefore, granted that the number of children who are under age ten has decreased, we can not ensure that the number of children who go to our bookstore, or the need for children’s book will also decline.
In conclusion, the recommendation need substantiation to support the conclusion.To do so, the manager must provide clearer evidence that similarity between Monarch and Regal in other aspect to prove the comparison. The manager must also demonstrate more information in the national census and then analyze both advantages and disadvantages logically to make further conclusion.
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Comments
e-rater score report
Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 4.5 out of 6
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 1 2
No. of Sentences: 17 15
No. of Words: 534 350
No. of Characters: 2723 1500
No. of Different Words: 245 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.807 4.7
Average Word Length: 5.099 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.792 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 201 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 163 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 97 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 66 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 31.412 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 12.248 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.765 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.362 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.362 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.135 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 1 5
Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 2, column 409, Rule ID: COMMA_PARENTHESIS_WHITESPACE
Message: Put a space after the comma
Suggestion: , which
...s better served for its target customers,which may not be in the same group as that in...
^^^^^^
Line 2, column 490, Rule ID: THIS_NNS[1]
Message: Did you mean 'these'?
Suggestion: these
...at in Monarch. For that matter, perhaps this kinds of service is not suitable for Mo...
^^^^
Line 2, column 607, Rule ID: COMMA_PARENTHESIS_WHITESPACE
Message: Put a space after the comma
Suggestion: , whereas
...t require more individualized experience,whereas quite big operation scope of cafe with ...
^^^^^^^^
Line 2, column 732, Rule ID: SENTENCE_WHITESPACE
Message: Add a space between sentences
Suggestion: In
...e would be a better attraction for them.In short, without accounting for possible ...
^^
Line 3, column 1, Rule ID: SENT_START_CONJUNCTIVE_LINKING_ADVERB_COMMA[1]
Message: Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Suggestion: Also,
...t his goal of recommendation is sound. Also considering the case of cutting out the...
^^^^
Line 3, column 456, Rule ID: COMMA_PARENTHESIS_WHITESPACE
Message: Put a space after the comma
Suggestion: , which
...ain the possible costs of reconstruction,which would have a downward impact on the ove...
^^^^^^
Line 4, column 8, Rule ID: COMMA_PARENTHESIS_WHITESPACE
Message: Put a space after the comma
Suggestion: , the
... Monarch before the cafe opens. Finally,the fact in the national census the manager...
^^^^
Line 4, column 86, Rule ID: ALLOW_TO[1]
Message: Did you mean 'explaining'? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'convince' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
Suggestion: explaining
...anager cites would not be so convincing to explain the unpopularity of the children’s book...
^^^^^^^^^^
Line 4, column 394, Rule ID: BEEN_PART_AGREEMENT[1]
Message: Consider using a past participle here: 'proved', 'proven'.
Suggestion: proved; proven
...lation of the children under age ten is prove, the total number of children may incre...
^^^^^
Line 4, column 443, Rule ID: SENTENCE_WHITESPACE
Message: Add a space between sentences
Suggestion: Therefore
...e total number of children may increase.Therefore, granted that the number of children wh...
^^^^^^^^^
Line 5, column 80, Rule ID: SENTENCE_WHITESPACE
Message: Add a space between sentences
Suggestion: To
...ubstantiation to support the conclusion.To do so, the manager must provide clearer...
^^
Transition Words or Phrases used:
also, but, finally, first, if, look, may, moreover, so, then, therefore, well, whereas, while, apart from, in addition, in conclusion, in short, first of all
Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments
Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 19.0 19.6327345309 97% => OK
Auxiliary verbs: 23.0 12.9520958084 178% => OK
Conjunction : 12.0 11.1786427146 107% => OK
Relative clauses : 20.0 13.6137724551 147% => OK
Pronoun: 23.0 28.8173652695 80% => OK
Preposition: 71.0 55.5748502994 128% => OK
Nominalization: 30.0 16.3942115768 183% => OK
Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 2797.0 2260.96107784 124% => OK
No of words: 528.0 441.139720559 120% => OK
Chars per words: 5.29734848485 5.12650576532 103% => OK
Fourth root words length: 4.79356345386 4.56307096286 105% => OK
Word Length SD: 3.08188519991 2.78398813304 111% => OK
Unique words: 255.0 204.123752495 125% => OK
Unique words percentage: 0.482954545455 0.468620217663 103% => OK
syllable_count: 881.1 705.55239521 125% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.7 1.59920159681 106% => OK
A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 1.0 4.96107784431 20% => OK
Article: 15.0 8.76447105788 171% => OK
Subordination: 2.0 2.70958083832 74% => OK
Conjunction: 2.0 1.67365269461 119% => OK
Preposition: 7.0 4.22255489022 166% => OK
Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 17.0 19.7664670659 86% => OK
Sentence length: 31.0 22.8473053892 136% => The Avg. Sentence Length is relatively long.
Sentence length SD: 77.4952616031 57.8364921388 134% => OK
Chars per sentence: 164.529411765 119.503703932 138% => OK
Words per sentence: 31.0588235294 23.324526521 133% => OK
Discourse Markers: 9.23529411765 5.70786347227 162% => OK
Paragraphs: 5.0 5.15768463074 97% => OK
Language errors: 11.0 5.25449101796 209% => Less language errors wanted.
Sentences with positive sentiment : 11.0 8.20758483034 134% => OK
Sentences with negative sentiment : 5.0 6.88822355289 73% => OK
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 1.0 4.67664670659 21% => More facts, knowledge or examples wanted.
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?
Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.311998190998 0.218282227539 143% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.111285071527 0.0743258471296 150% => OK
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.0760232719891 0.0701772020484 108% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.170982557694 0.128457276422 133% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.0978598806156 0.0628817314937 156% => OK
Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 19.1 14.3799401198 133% => OK
flesch_reading_ease: 31.55 48.3550499002 65% => OK
smog_index: 11.2 7.1628742515 156% => OK
flesch_kincaid_grade: 16.6 12.197005988 136% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 14.05 12.5979740519 112% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 8.94 8.32208582834 107% => OK
difficult_words: 126.0 98.500998004 128% => OK
linsear_write_formula: 14.0 12.3882235529 113% => OK
gunning_fog: 14.4 11.1389221557 129% => OK
text_standard: 14.0 11.9071856287 118% => OK
What are above readability scores?
---------------------
Rates: 66.67 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 4.0 Out of 6
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Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.