The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
Jazz music is extremely popular in the city of Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is Jazz Nightly, which airs every week night. Also, a number of well-known jazz musicians own homes in Monroe. Nevertheless, the nearest jazz club is over an hour away. Given the popularity of jazz in Monroe and a recent nationwide study indicating that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment,a jazz music club in Monroe would be tremendously profitable.
A group of developers in Monroe has decided to take a small business loan for constructing a jazz club in Monroe. As per their belief, it will be a profitable enterprise. This conclusion is based on the premises that the typical jazz fan spends $1000 per year on jazz entertainment. However, the argument seems rife with holes, assumptions and flaws. The author needs to put some more valuable data to make the argument valid.
Firstly, it has been mentioned that 100,000 people attended the annual jazz festival of Monroe. This, can not be a support for the opening of the jazz club in Monroe. It might be possible that people do not have any other activity to perform in summers, so they attend the festival. A business can not be run on the basis of seasonal profit. Also, it is no where mentioned that whether the population who attended the festival will be interested to join the club. Furthermore, annual event is something people wait to attend, but a club might not attract a good number of customers.
Secondly, It has been mentioned that the highest rated radio program in Monroe is jazz Nightly. But, there is no data about the age group who prefer to listen the music. It might be possible that the old or retired people prefer to listen the music, remembering their old days. Also, it might be possible that the students prefer to listen the show. In both the cases, they are not the earning entities of the city. And, for a business to be successful it should entice maximum number of the earning entities.
Also, owing a house in Monroe does not mean that the musicians stay there. It might be possible that they might have owned the house for the investment purpose. Even if they would have stayed there, will they be interested in performing in a club? Will the club be able to pay the fee for them?
The study has been conducted nation wide and it has been found that a jazz fan spends $1000 in a year. There is no data about the number of jazz fans in Monroe. the spending capacity of a city is dependent on the earning potential of the citizens. The citizens of Monroe might not willing to pay this much for music or entertainment. So, it is the economical factor which will affect the business in Monroe. The author must have given the number of fans in Monroe.
To sum it up, the arguments need more of numbers and the information about the people of Monroe. In the lack of the data, the argument seems invalid.
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flaws:
Avg. Sentence Length: 15.75 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 4.102 7.5
Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 4.5 out of 6
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 28 15
No. of Words: 441 350
No. of Characters: 1938 1500
No. of Different Words: 188 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.583 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.395 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.349 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 121 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 79 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 56 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 28 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 15.75 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 4.102 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.393 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.275 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.498 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.08 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 6 5