One day we all have to get a job, so obtaining skills needed for the job is very important. Some thinks we should studying hard is much more important than having a strong communication ability to be successful; however, I think being able to relate well to people serves us more in the path of success, and I have reasons for that.
First, we may have a co-worker to work with all day, and he may have to sit beside our desk for hours, so it is very important to make a good relation to co-worker in order to have a happy work environment. For example, my dad used to work for a company that there were six other persons in just one single room. One of them was an angry man who could not relate well to other people and usually struggled with the rest. My dad had a fight with that man on this subject, being too angry to others, so at the end, that guy was fired out of the company.
Second, maybe you get a job that customers come to you for asking a question or a price of a product. Therefore it is better to be nice to them and attract them to the store so finally costumers buy some stuff and return to the store again just to visit you again. For instance one my friend is working for a fashion clothing market that too many beautiful persons come to buy new set of clothes. My friend is a really funny person who is very charismatic and can attract everyone with his speaking ability. Every day many girls just visit his store to hear funny jokes from him and burst out of laughing. Now he has like ten girl friend has to reject offers that he get from other girls that want to date.
Third, I do not think that studying hard is the key to success because gaining experience can serve you better to be good at something. For example, I have worked with computer since I was a child, and I have become very expert in it. There are a few persons that can program like me even though I have not studied academically for it. Several of my friends are studying computer science at college, but I don't think they become good at programming. That is why experience can make you successful not studying hard for it.
Given these points, I think studying hard in school or universities are not the key to being successful, but there are a lot of benefits with having bread and good relation with other people like with your co-workers or customers, and this communication ability can give you a lot of social experience that may bring success.
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the examples/arguments should
the examples/arguments should consider both views: relate well to people and study hard
we may use an example like this : a classmate of mine studied very hard and is top students in school, however, he can't relate well to colleagues in the companies and customers, and he finally got fired.
in your firs example, there is an angry man who got fired too, but maybe he is a bad student too, so it is not closely related to the topic.
the second example has the same issue.
Some thinks we should studying hard is much more important than having a strong communication ability to be successful
Some thinks studying hard is much more important than having a strong communication ability to be successful
flaws:
In the first argument and the second argument, what's wrong with study hard in school?
in the third argument, it is off the topic. we need to compare study hard to relate well to people, not to experiences.
the correct pattern:
para 1: introduction
para 2: reason 1. address both of the views presented for reason 1
para 3: reason 2. address both of the views presented for reason 2
para 4: reason 3. address both of the views presented for reason 3
para 5: conclusion.
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Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 18 in 30
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 1 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 18 15
No. of Words: 463 350
No. of Characters: 1942 1500
No. of Different Words: 212 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.639 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.194 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.286 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 112 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 75 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 43 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 27 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 25.722 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 10.608 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.778 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.313 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.551 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.194 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5