46 The following appeared in a health magazine published in Corpora.
"Medical experts say that only one-quarter of Corpora's citizens meet the current standards for adequate physical fitness, even though twenty years ago, one-half of all of Corpora's citizens met the standards as then defined. But these experts are mistaken when they suggest that spending too much time using computers has caused a decline in fitness. Since overall fitness levels are highest in regions of Corpora where levels of computer ownership are also highest, it is clear that using computers has not made citizens less physically fit. Instead, as shown by this year's unusually low expenditures on fitness-related products and services, the recent decline in the economy is most likely the cause, and fitness levels will improve when the economy does."
In the article , the author asserts that the reason of less physical fitness of Corpora citizens is the decline in the economy rather than the too much use of computer, for the reasons that the worse performance of economy may cause the low expenditures on fitness-related products and highest levels of computer ownership means highest level of fitness in some regions of Corpora. Although the argument is plausible at the first glance, a close scrutiny reveals its untenability.
At the first, the declaration of too much time using computer does not cause less physical fitness is gratuitous. Even though the author provides proof that fitness levels are highest in regions where levels of computer ownership are highest, it cannot prove that the using time of computer is proportionally related to the level of fitness. On the one hand, highest computer ownership does not mean that using time of these owners are also highest. On the other hand, the residents of these regions may be the richest people in Corpora, hence they could afford fitness-related products and services even if the budgets are lowered. Without the computer using time of these regions and their investment in fitness-related services, the author cannot conclude that this fact shows the time spend on computer has no effect on fitness.
Secondly, even though the budget for fitness-related products and services decreases, it may not be caused by decline of economy. Less budget for fitness-related products may be caused by the severe corruption inside the government. Or the budget is used for purchasing medical facilities and cultivating medical students, which could improve fitness levels of residents in future. On the other hand, less budget for fitness-related things does not only represent the decreasing of physical fitness. The fitness of citizens are influenced by many factors, such as pressure, environmental quality, or diet.
Finally, although more residents meet the standard twenty years ago, it cannot be explained as current citizens have lower fitness levels. The current standard may be totally different from the one twenty years ago, thus it is strong possibility that current standard of fitness is much more strict than before so that less people meet it now. Furthermore, during twenty years, the existence of more immigrants with low level of fitness may also cause the worse performance in physical fitness.
In conclusion, the author fails to prove that less physical fitness is caused by decline in the economy rather than the using time of computer, at least bases on this article. To make the argument more persuasive, the author shoule provide more information about the absolute comparation of fitness of residents twenty years ago and now. More statistics such as the using time and fitness levels of different regions are also appreciated.
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Sentence: To make the argument more persuasive, the author shoule provide more information about the absolute comparation of fitness of residents twenty years ago and now.
Error: comparation Suggestion: No alternate word
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argument 1 -- OK
argument 2 -- not exactly. 'may be caused by the severe corruption inside the government. Or the budget is used for purchasing medical facilities and cultivating medical students'. You can say: maybe the life style has changed.
argument 3 -- OK
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flaws:
'On the other hand' means 'However'. It doesn't mean 'On another hand'.
Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 4.0 out of 6
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 1 2
No. of Sentences: 18 15
No. of Words: 458 350
No. of Characters: 2353 1500
No. of Different Words: 183 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.626 4.7
Average Word Length: 5.138 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.734 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 186 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 141 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 83 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 45 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 25.444 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 11.432 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.778 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.394 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.608 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.145 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5