TPO-08 - Independent Writing Task Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Television advertising directed towards young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed.Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Submitted by ying.ma on Wed, 01/18/2017 - 12:54

Watching television becomes one of the most prevalent activities for kids aged two to five for entertaining themselves. We have to admit that watching TV is more attractive to children than any other activities because of its vivid and dynamic demonstrations. Kids spend a lot of time in front of TV because their parents are too busy to take care of them. Parents are fine with those cartoons. However, they are concerning about whether the ads inserted between the programs are child-friendly. Some of parents assert that ads targeted children from two to five shouldn’t be allowed. I personally don’t agree with this idea. The reasons are as follows.

To begin with, these particular ads could reduce the impact of inappropriate information on kids. Kids aged two to five are curious about the world around them. However, they don’t have mature judgement to filter the information they get from outside, making them vulnerable and susceptible. What they do is simply absorb and imitate the thing they see and hear, in this case, the ads. Some ads are not appropriate for kids at their ages. These ads are deliberately ridiculers and exaggerating to be more attractive concerning the cognitive ability of adults. These are the ads that definitely mislead kids, distorting their recognition of the world. Thus, specific ads for kids aged two to five are necessary protections to prevent them from being misled.

Moreover, ads can be used to promote kids mental growth. Occupying most of the free time, watching TV could be used as educational purpose. Educational ads take advantages of the interval time between programs to spread ethical ideas using vivid demonstration. For example, my 3-year-old nephew made his mother a card on Mother’s day. We were surprised because no one told him and we didn’t expect him to do anything. When we asked him where did he find out this, he said that TV ads had been introduce Mother’s day for a while. Thanks to these educational ads, my nephew knows to be thankful. Ads that possess educational functions benefit the growth of kids unconsciously without annoy them.

Finally, some parents refutes ads targeted kids. They concern those commercial ads which could manipulate their children lacking discriminating ability to buy products. This argument to some extent is reasonable, but it is not sufficient to be the reason abandoning the ads. Government should enhance their supervisions and investigations over ads particularly for children. Those ads with misleading messages cannot survive under strict ads systems.

To sum up, ads aimed two to five could have positive impact on kids as long as they focus on educational purpose and under strict supervision. These specific ads can also help kids filter the misleading information inappropriate for their ages.

Votes
Average: 7 (3 votes)
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Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 1, column 410, Rule ID: PROGRESSIVE_VERBS[1]
Message: This verb is normally not used in the progressive form. Try a simple form instead.
...fine with those cartoons. However, they are concerning about whether the ads inserted between ...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Line 1, column 497, Rule ID: MOST_SOME_OF_NNS[1]
Message: After 'Some of', you should use 'the' ('Some of the parents') or simply say ''Some parents''.
Suggestion: Some of the parents; Some parents
...etween the programs are child-friendly. Some of parents assert that ads targeted children from ...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Line 1, column 593, Rule ID: PRP_RB_NO_VB[1]
Message: Are you missing a verb?
...wo to five shouldn't be allowed. I personally don't agree with this idea. The reasons are...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Line 5, column 504, Rule ID: BEEN_PART_AGREEMENT[1]
Message: Consider using a past participle here: 'introduced'.
Suggestion: introduced
... out this, he said that TV ads had been introduce Mother's day for a while. Thanks t...
^^^^^^^^^

Transition Words or Phrases used:
also, but, finally, however, if, moreover, so, thus, while, for example, to begin with, to sum up

Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments

Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 23.0 15.1003584229 152% => OK
Auxiliary verbs: 8.0 9.8082437276 82% => OK
Conjunction : 9.0 13.8261648746 65% => OK
Relative clauses : 8.0 11.0286738351 73% => More relative clauses wanted.
Pronoun: 51.0 43.0788530466 118% => OK
Preposition: 60.0 52.1666666667 115% => OK
Nominalization: 9.0 8.0752688172 111% => OK

Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 2392.0 1977.66487455 121% => OK
No of words: 457.0 407.700716846 112% => OK
Chars per words: 5.2341356674 4.8611393121 108% => OK
Fourth root words length: 4.62358717085 4.48103885553 103% => OK
Word Length SD: 2.96871631818 2.67179642975 111% => OK
Unique words: 239.0 212.727598566 112% => OK
Unique words percentage: 0.522975929978 0.524837075471 100% => OK
syllable_count: 749.7 618.680645161 121% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.6 1.51630824373 106% => OK

A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 15.0 9.59856630824 156% => OK
Interrogative: 2.0 0.994623655914 201% => OK
Article: 2.0 3.08781362007 65% => OK
Subordination: 1.0 3.51792114695 28% => OK
Conjunction: 1.0 1.86738351254 54% => OK
Preposition: 3.0 4.94265232975 61% => OK

Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 31.0 20.6003584229 150% => OK
Sentence length: 14.0 20.1344086022 70% => The Avg. Sentence Length is relatively short.
Sentence length SD: 29.6423706082 48.9658058833 61% => OK
Chars per sentence: 77.1612903226 100.406767564 77% => OK
Words per sentence: 14.7419354839 20.6045352989 72% => OK
Discourse Markers: 3.12903225806 5.45110844103 57% => More transition words/phrases wanted.
Paragraphs: 5.0 4.53405017921 110% => OK
Language errors: 4.0 5.5376344086 72% => OK
Sentences with positive sentiment : 17.0 11.8709677419 143% => OK
Sentences with negative sentiment : 3.0 3.85842293907 78% => OK
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 11.0 4.88709677419 225% => Less facts, knowledge or examples wanted.
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?

Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.111087929532 0.236089414692 47% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.0362850451191 0.076458572812 47% => OK
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.0394168662229 0.0737576698707 53% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.0722163452495 0.150856017488 48% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.0374363686128 0.0645574589148 58% => OK

Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 10.6 11.7677419355 90% => Automated_readability_index is low.
flesch_reading_ease: 57.27 58.1214874552 99% => OK
smog_index: 8.8 6.10430107527 144% => OK
flesch_kincaid_grade: 8.8 10.1575268817 87% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 12.46 10.9000537634 114% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 8.48 8.01818996416 106% => OK
difficult_words: 120.0 86.8835125448 138% => OK
linsear_write_formula: 7.0 10.002688172 70% => OK
gunning_fog: 7.6 10.0537634409 76% => OK
text_standard: 9.0 10.247311828 88% => OK
What are above readability scores?

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Rates: 70.0 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 21.0 Out of 30
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Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.

flaws:
1. Avg. Sentence Length: 14.871 21.0 //some sentences are too short, need clauses to make sentences longer. for example:

Kids spend a lot of time in front of TV because their parents are too busy to take care of them. Parents are fine with those cartoons. However, they are concerning about whether the ads inserted between the programs are child-friendly.

it is not smoothly to read them.

2. pay attention to the subject of sentences. Need varieties of subjects. most of them are: parents, kids, they, I, ads

---------------------
Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 22 in 30
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 31 15
No. of Words: 461 350
No. of Characters: 2293 1500
No. of Different Words: 241 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.634 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.974 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.824 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 151 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 123 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 83 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 58 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 14.871 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 5.002 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.355 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.29 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.451 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.131 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5

Is there any methods I can use to develop my general English skills? I think I am familiar with the structure now. I feel like sometimes I have some great ideas, but I can't express them accurately. I want to develop complicate sentences with clause, but I don't how...

Don't forget connectors which are used to connect two sentences.

for relative clauses, they are: who, which, that, whom...

for adverb clauses, they are: while, when, because....

for noun clauses, they are: how, what...

for compound sentences, we have: and, but, or...

and another important connector which is: to

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by use those connectors, we can make sentences longer but remove those duplicated subjects, for example:

Kids aged two to five are curious about the world around them. However, they don’t have mature judgement to filter the information they get from outside, making them vulnerable and susceptible.

revised:
Kids aged two to five who don’t have mature judgement to filter the information are curious about the world around them, making them vulnerable and susceptible.

or:
Kids aged two to five are curious about the world around them but don’t have mature judgement to filter the information, making them vulnerable and susceptible.

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look at following sentences, they have same subjects: 'ads', so they can share the same subject once by using those connectors:

Some ads are not appropriate for kids at their ages. These ads are deliberately ridiculers and exaggerating to be more attractive concerning the cognitive ability of adults. These are the ads that definitely mislead kids, distorting their recognition of the world. Thus, specific ads for kids aged two to five are necessary protections to prevent them from being misled.

revised:
Some ads which are deliberately ridiculing and exaggerating to be more attractive concerning the cognitive ability of adults are not appropriate for kids at their ages because they are the ads that definitely mislead kids, distorting their recognition of the world, so/while the necessary protections to prevent them from being misled are the hot topics of parents and societies.

this sentence is relatively long, but is just shows the way how to make a compound/complex sentence.

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try it out on next essay. After finish an essay, read it again and again, and try the above way to revise sentences. Gradually you will see a big improvement.