The following appeared in a letter from a department chairperson to the president of Pierce University.
"Some studies conducted by Bronston College, which is also located in a small town, reveal that both male and female professors are happier living in small towns when their spouses are also employed in the same geographic area. Therefore, in the interest of attracting the most gifted teachers and researchers to our faculty and improving the morale of our entire staff, we at Pierce University should offer employment to the spouse of each new faculty member we hire. Although we cannot expect all offers to be accepted or to be viewed as an ideal job offer, the money invested in this effort will clearly be well spent because, if their spouses have a chance of employment, new professors will be more likely to accept our offers."
In this statement, the author claims that both male and female professors will be more satisfied in small towns if their spouses are employed in the same region. Hence, more teachers and professors will be allured to the university. Therefore, they need to suggest some job opportunities to them' moreover, the university must be care of the way it spend money. However, in this statement the president of Pierce University has made merely a contrary with the Bronston College without any attention to the some specific assumptions and questions that might come to mind. Some of them are presented as follows.
Firstly, the president cites the Bronston College as an example which is also located in a small town as the Pierce University is; however, he never makes any additional conditions and situations that two towns might have such as facilities, population, environmental conditions and etc. Most professors might go to the Bronston College because the town is not very polluted or crowded. Moreover, this town also may have more facilities that the town which Pierce University is located. Hence, it is not appropriate enough to discuss the issue of "small town" without assumption of other factors such as facilities, population, prices and etc.
Secondly, the presidents states that the university must prepare and offer some job positions to the professor's spouses; however, he never takes into account this issue that what kind of job can be suggested? Is it possible to offer a variety of job categories to them or it is limited to a bit number? In addition, he never discuss about this fact that is it proper potentials of works and jobs in such a small town? For example, someone who is a worker or technision of a factory, can find a firm in a small town? A small town might have never has a firm or factory that could attract a worker. Hence, the president must consider the kinds of job that is available in the town.
Thirdly, he never explains that is it university has responsibility to provide jobs for them or it is the responsibility of some other organizations such as federal or governments? Therefore, he must present more consideration about the job offers and responsibilities.
As a summary, this statement is counted as a weak one because it is not included some important assumptions and questions which must be carefully taken into account.
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Sentence: Therefore, they need to suggest some job opportunities to them' moreover, the university must be care of the way it spend money.
Description: The fragment it spend money is rare
Suggestion: Possible agreement error: Replace spend with verb, past tense
Sentence: For example, someone who is a worker or technision of a factory, can find a firm in a small town?
Error: technision Suggestion: technician
flaws:
Argument 1 -- OK
Argument 2 -- NOT really. You need to argue whether this will contribute to the happiness of Pierce faculty even though the jobs are available.
Argument 3 -- NOT OK. by your thinking. Need to argue the conclusion 'their spouses have a chance of employment, new professors will be more likely to accept our offers'. -- new professors may accept offers by Other factors.
read a sample:
http://www.testbig.com/gmatgre-essays/following-appeared-letter-departm…
Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 3.5 out of 6
Category: satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 1 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 1 2
No. of Sentences: 17 15
No. of Words: 400 350
No. of Characters: 1928 1500
No. of Different Words: 176 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.472 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.82 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.819 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 125 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 109 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 70 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 54 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 23.529 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 12.2 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.765 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.339 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.575 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.202 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5