Please evaluate my argument essay for GRE exam
A recent study of eighteen rhesus monkeys provides clues as to the effects of birth order on an individual's levels of stimulation. The study showed that in stimulating situations (such as an encounter with an unfamiliar monkey), firstborn infant monkeys produce up to twice as much of the hormone cortisol, which primes the body for increased activity levels, as do their younger siblings. Firstborn humans also produce relatively high levels of cortisol in stimulating situations (such as the return of a parent after an absence). The study also found that during pregnancy, first-time mother monkeys had higher levels of cortisol than did those who had had several offspring."
Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.
The argument about the relation between the effect of birth order and levels of stimulation of Cortisol hormone in rhesus monkeys and human individual is not entirely convincing, since it implies certain assumptions that are not backed up with crucial evidences.
First, the argument assumes that the sample of eighteen rhesus monkeys is an evidence to prove his assumption, although eighteen monkeys might have chosen from the same environment and culture. This sample of monkeys could be sharing the same characteristics due to living and growing in the same conditions. The information from the sample taken could be more reliable if a number of monkeys chosen from different locations or environment to make sure that there is no other factor affecting the level of stimulation rather than those mentioned.
Second, the argument never addresses the explanation for the relationship between birth order and the stimulation of the cortisol hormone. There is a flaw on choosing the comparison between first born babies and younger siblings because there could be other reasons that leads to the stimulation, maybe first born babies are more quite because most of the time, while younger siblings might be more hyper active because of their elder brothers or sisters.
Finally, the author based one of his assumptions on the argument that the stimulating situation for monkeys could be (encounter with an unfamiliar monkey). While for humans (it is the return of a parent after an absence). This assumption has a flaw because there is no proof that the reason stimulates the body for producing the cortisol hormone. First the reasons are not quite similar. Second, stimulation could actually happen, but there are various hormones which lead to stimulation and the author did not specify how the cortisol could be recognized due to stimulation.
Thus the argument is not completely sound, and the evidence in support with the conclusion that the effects of birth order on an individual's levels of stimulation of the cortisol hormone. Since the sample of the rhesus monkeys are not reliable, in addition to the flaw in the comparison between first born babies and their younger siblings is not valid. Ultimately the argument also could have been stronger if the author mentioned the relation between the hormone and the stimulation because there could be other hormone helped in the stimulation not the cortisol hormone itself.
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Score: 4.5 out of 6
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
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No. of Words: 391 350
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Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.447 4.7
Average Word Length: 5.125 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.65 2.4
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No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 74 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 43 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 27.929 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 11.511 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.786 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.388 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.614 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.07 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5