Milk and dairy products are rich in vitamin D and calcium—substances essential for building and maintaining bones. Many people therefore say that a diet rich in dairy products can help prevent osteoporosis, a disease that is linked to both environmental and genetic factors and that causes the bones to weaken significantly with age. But a long-term study of a large number of people found that those who consistently consumed dairy products throughout the years of the study have a higher rate of bone fractures than any other participants in the study. Since bone fractures are symptomatic of osteoporosis, this study result shows that a diet rich in dairy products may actually increase, rather than decrease, the risk of osteoporosis
While seems that many of the people who consistently consumed dairy product through out the study have more bone fractures than other participants, the author of this argument fails to provide rational reasons to support his claim that a diet rich in dairy products may lead to increase the risk of osteoporosis. It may seems there is a connection between consuming dairy products and bone fractures, however this argument is full of untenable assumptions, thus not justifiable enough to conclude dairy products can increase the risk of osteoporosis.
By mentioning the study of a large number of people who use dairy products constantly but report higher number of bone fraction to other participants relatively , the author tries to focus on the part of the relation of bone fractures to more consumption of dairy. But the author skips the amounts of dairy products that participant use every day. May be their whole day diet is full of dairy products. It is clear that body needs more other nutrition materials for its metabolism. when we do not know what else is planned for participant food other than dairy products, how can we conclude that using dairy can increase bone fractures?
Furthermore, in the study the scope of the participants is not clear. It can be more various. For example, If the age of participant were in range of 20 – 40 the ramifications are obviously different from the consequences of the range of age 40 to 60 who are more vulnerable to osteoporosis. Besides, the participants genetic background is not lucid. The crucial factor which can be determining in increasing the risk of osteoporosis of individuals.
Additionally, the author cites that the people who attends in the study have been tested for long terms and implies several years of examining. But this long time is not defined properly. maybe this time is 3 or 4 years , so is not prudent to conclude that just consuming the dairy products during these limited time was efficacious in rising the number of reported bone fractures. May be the participants did not use dairy products properly during the childhood when it was key factor in ossifying the bones normally.
In final analysis, this arguments is full of assumptions which are not cogent enough to conclude that consuming dairy products constantly will increase the risk of osteoporosis. There are many other determining factors in stiffening or fragility of bones, for these reasons the author must provide more pithy documentaries to buttress his theory.
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Sentence: It may seems there is a connection between consuming dairy products and bone fractures, however this argument is full of untenable assumptions, thus not justifiable enough to conclude dairy products can increase the risk of osteoporosis.
Description: A modal auxillary is not usually followed by a verb, present tense, 3rd person singular
Suggestion: Refer to may and seems
Sentence: In final analysis, this arguments is full of assumptions which are not cogent enough to conclude that consuming dairy products constantly will increase the risk of osteoporosis.
Description: A determiner/pronoun, singular is not usually followed by a noun, plural, common
Suggestion: Refer to this and arguments
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argument 1 -- not OK. //People who consistently consume dairy products in the study may do so just because they are more likely to suffer from bone fractures.
argument 2 -- OK
argument 3 -- not OK.
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more ideas:
1）Although bone fractures are a symptom of osteoporosis, they may well result from other causes.
2）The author does not provide detailed information about the studied people who consistently consume dairy products and those who do not.
3）Other reasons, such as aging, genetic factors, lifestyle, etc. may also account for the higher rate of bone fractures of the people mentioned in the study.
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flaws:
Don't cast doubt on the data (study or survey) like you did in arguemtn 1 and 3. In GRE, we have to accept all data or evidence are true. It is important to find out loopholes behind surveys or studies. Loopholes mean that we accept all surveys told are true, but there are some conditions applied, for example:
It works for time A (10 years ago), but it doesn't mean it works for time B (nowadays).
It works for location A (a city, community, nation), but it doesn't mean it works for location B (another city, community, nation).
It works for people A (a manager), but it doesn't mean it works for people B (a worker).
It works for event A (one event, project... ), but it doesn't mean it works for event B (another event, project...).
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Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 2.5 out of 6
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 2 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 16 15
No. of Words: 415 350
No. of Characters: 2055 1500
No. of Different Words: 185 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.513 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.952 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.816 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 131 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 108 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 85 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 55 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 25.938 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 13.998 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.625 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.362 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.591 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.104 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5