As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Some inhabitants believe that there is a sophisticated innovation changing human roles in the work or daily activity, so they do less physical activity which means that they do less sport to maintain health. However, this is not becoming the number of problem that makes detriment their health.
In the daily activity, people are spending lots time to watch television. This becomes the number of main reasons that inhabitants do less substantial movement, but in my opinion television is not the major problem why in the modern era some inhabitants more least action. Vacuum cleaner is one of the electronic which has changed human activity to sweep the floor or washing machine is also reducing people action, for instance.
On the other hand, office workers are working used computer to do business process and they sit down in the long time to finish their job. As a matter of fact, computer has not affected physical job such farming, and the office they still did like in the past, because computer has integrated each other process in the organization and it has become essential device there, than tractor has changed human roles when they work in the fields.
However, numerous populations are getting sick and they are becoming on weight because they consume junk food, and they cannot control composition of food, so it is the logic cause why nowadays inhabitants do not maintain health. What is more, scientists use a modern technology to find a better medicine which helps people to get well soon when they get ill.
In conclusion, electronic innovation is not giving danger effect for human health, but sometimes people use it for the some negative activities, so it gives some weakness. Because of that, societies have to realize that they must do some sport to make balance between work and health.
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flaws:
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.818 0.12
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.05 0.07
'On the other hand' means However. It doesn't mean 'On another hand'.
Attribute Value Ideal
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Category: Satisfactory Excellent
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No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
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Sentence Length SD: 10.695 7.5
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Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.69 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.05 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5