"Of the two leading real estate firms in our town—Adams Realty and Fitch Realty—Adams Realty is clearly superior. Adams has 40 real estate agents; in contrast, Fitch has 25, many of whom work only part-time. Moreover, Adams' revenue last year was twice as
In the above claim, the author considers the past performance and decides that Adams real estate is superior. Conspicuously the above claim has many statements that can be proved wrong.
Adams had more real estate agents than Fitch, but still the home sales between the two real estates was not that large. Even though Fitch had only 25 agents compared to Adams, which is 15 less than of what Adams had, they managed to sell houses worth $144,000. Which is only 24,000 less than Adams. Even though there are less agents with Fitch and most of them are part time, they are having sales which is nearly equal to Adams. Also, the author does not give details of the current revenue of the two estate to have a clear comparison.
The author does not mention when the two real estate started their business. The Fitch might be a new real estate to the market when the author had listed his home with them and therefore it might have taken longer time. If he had listed the second house again with Fitch this time, then there would have been a better conclusion. The author needs to provide accurate details. If the author had surveyed a few people who had done business with the two real estate, then the author would have got a clear result.
The author is deciding based on his own experiences and not considering the current statistics. If the local people also have the same opinion about the Adams then it would be clear which one was superior, but since there are no accurate and current results, the above statement is specious and needs to provide more details for the claim to be approved.
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You argued well, but it is better put one more paragraph.
And as a GMAT essay, you need to put more words and improve your language.
Your flaws are mostly on vocabulary words:
No. of Words: 286 350
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 73 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 40 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 22 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 11 20
Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 2 6
Category: Poor Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 14 15
No. of Words: 286 350
No. of Characters: 1280 1500
No. of Different Words: 134 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.112 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.476 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.001 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 73 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 40 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 22 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 11 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 20.429 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 9.897 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.429 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.395 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.61 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.217 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 4 5