Nowadays people becoming parents later in life. Some think it is not a good development for the family and for the country. Do you agree or disagree with it? Give your own opinion.

Sentence: Secondly, people in their later lives, may face difficulty in parentering, as they became old people who may workaholic and not interested in bringing up or spending time with their own children.
Description: A modal auxillary is not usually followed by an adjective
Suggestion: Refer to may and workaholic

It is on top list:
http://www.testbig.com/essay-categories/ielts

Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 8.0 out of 9
Category: Excellent Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 1 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 19 15
No. of Words: 327 350
No. of Characters: 1674 1500
No. of Different Words: 189 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.252 4.7
Average Word Length: 5.119 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.772 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 126 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 95 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 70 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 38 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 17.211 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 8.05 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.684 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.283 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.497 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.066 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 4 5

Overall excellent essay

systemic diseases like heart diseases, diabetic and so are common during this period.
-> Capitalise the first letter

These diseases are dangerously effect the future generation, because these diseases are passing to the next generation through genes.
->These diseases are dangerously affecting the future generation, because they are passed on to the next generation through genes.

Hence, to build up a healthy young generation, late parenthood should be minimized.
->Hence, to make young generation healthier, late parenthood should be minimized.

Secondly, people in their later lives, may face difficulty in parentering, as they became old people who may workaholic and not interested in bringing up or spending time with their own children.
 This sentence need revise in its structure
 Secondly, people in their later lives may face difficulty in parenting. As they become old, people may be workaholic and not interested in ....

……..and they may oblige to compensate their family life for career.
 …, and they may oblige to sacrify their family life for career.

A senior gynecologist may force to give preference to her patients and she is supposed to attend the patient in case of emergency, even if she was hosting an important function of her child’s first birthday.
–> A senior gynecologist is supposed to attend the patient in case of emergency, and she may feel obliged to give preference to her patients and even if she is hosting an important function of her child’s first birthday.

The professional parents who are more devoted allocate more time to work, leaves little or no time to spend with their children.
 The professional parents who are more devoted allocate more time to work, leaving little or no time to spend with their children.

Young children may feel to introduce a aged man or woman as their parent.
–> Young children may feel (adj here) to introduce an aged man or woman as their parent.

Therefore, I totally disagreeing with the idea of late parenthood.
->Therefore, I totally disagree ...

Thank you, togiang !