The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, the proposed new jazz club in Monroe, the C-Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer; several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe; and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight at 7 P.M. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment."
It was stated in the loan application that, since, the nearest jazz club to Monroe was over 50 miles away. A group of developers are proposing a new jazz club in Monroe, which would benefit the people and would also be a tremendously ptofitable enterprise. Additionally, they also support the argument by stating that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe by providing evidence that over 100,00 people attended the Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer. Moreover, it is also claimed that many jazz musicians live in Monroe and the highest rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly'. Also, a nationwide study indicated that jazz fans spend close to $1000 per year on jazz.
The aforementioned requires additional evidence which are stated below.
Firstly, it is proclaimed that over a 100,00 people attended the annual jazz musical festival. It might be that a scanty amount of people from Monroe attended the festival. A large proportion of the people attended the festival might be from the neighbouring cities. Since, the festival is held annually, people from all over the nation might have attended it and the numbers soared. If the statistics on the pool of people who attended the festival from the city of Monroe is provided, it could strengthen the argument. But, the argument as it is could weaken by indicating that jazz might not be extremely popular as stated in the argument.
Secondly, even though several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, it does not have to necessarily increase the profits if a jazz club is established in Monroe. It could be that all the jazz musicians living in Monroe city might have retired from being musicians and they don't play anymore. Furthermore, the jazz musicians might have been forgotten. If more information on the musicians residing there is provided, it could strengthen the argument. Information provided could be like the number of residents, that are jazz musicians, who are still playing jazz.
Lastly, the nationwide study indicates that people spend $1000 on jazz entertainment. The argument does not specify the number of Monroe jazz fans who spend a 1000$ fr jazz entertainment. According to the study, it can be inferred, that the majority of the jazz fans are living in cities other than Monroe. ANd people residing in Monroe might be spending a lot less on jazz entertainment. If the study specifically focused on the city of Monroe, then, it could have provided much more stronger evidence to the argument.
To elucidate, if the evidence stated above is provided then it would strengthen the argument.
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Comments
e-rater score report
Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 4.0 out of 6
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 23 15
No. of Words: 428 350
No. of Characters: 2097 1500
No. of Different Words: 168 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.548 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.9 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.645 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 151 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 106 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 86 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 45 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 18.609 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 5.546 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.609 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.379 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.571 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.177 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5
Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 4, column 546, Rule ID: IS_SHOULD[1]
Message: Did you mean 'it'?
Suggestion: it
...n the argument. But, the argument as it is could weaken by indicating that jazz mi...
^^
Line 6, column 278, Rule ID: EN_CONTRACTION_SPELLING
Message: Possible spelling mistake found
Suggestion: don't
...e retired from being musicians and they dont play anymore. Furthermore, the jazz mus...
^^^^
Line 8, column 158, Rule ID: CURRENCY[1]
Message: The currency mark is usually put at the beginning of the number: '$1000'.
Suggestion: $1000
... number of Monroe jazz fans who spend a 1000$ fr jazz entertainment. According to the...
^^^^^
Line 8, column 479, Rule ID: MOST_COMPARATIVE[2]
Message: Use only 'stronger' (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
Suggestion: stronger
...nroe, then, it could have provided much more stronger evidence to the argument. To elucid...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Transition Words or Phrases used:
also, but, first, firstly, furthermore, if, lastly, moreover, second, secondly, so, still, then, well
Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments
Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 27.0 19.6327345309 138% => OK
Auxiliary verbs: 17.0 12.9520958084 131% => OK
Conjunction : 5.0 11.1786427146 45% => More conjunction wanted.
Relative clauses : 17.0 13.6137724551 125% => OK
Pronoun: 27.0 28.8173652695 94% => OK
Preposition: 47.0 55.5748502994 85% => OK
Nominalization: 19.0 16.3942115768 116% => OK
Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 2159.0 2260.96107784 95% => OK
No of words: 427.0 441.139720559 97% => OK
Chars per words: 5.05620608899 5.12650576532 99% => OK
Fourth root words length: 4.54576487731 4.56307096286 100% => OK
Word Length SD: 2.75201254476 2.78398813304 99% => OK
Unique words: 170.0 204.123752495 83% => More unique words wanted.
Unique words percentage: 0.3981264637 0.468620217663 85% => More unique words wanted or less content wanted.
syllable_count: 663.3 705.55239521 94% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.6 1.59920159681 100% => OK
A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 13.0 4.96107784431 262% => Less pronouns wanted as sentence beginning.
Article: 10.0 8.76447105788 114% => OK
Subordination: 5.0 2.70958083832 185% => OK
Conjunction: 1.0 1.67365269461 60% => OK
Preposition: 2.0 4.22255489022 47% => More preposition wanted as sentence beginning.
Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 23.0 19.7664670659 116% => OK
Sentence length: 18.0 22.8473053892 79% => The Avg. Sentence Length is relatively short.
Sentence length SD: 31.4457554966 57.8364921388 54% => The essay contains lots of sentences with the similar length. More sentence varieties wanted.
Chars per sentence: 93.8695652174 119.503703932 79% => OK
Words per sentence: 18.5652173913 23.324526521 80% => OK
Discourse Markers: 4.39130434783 5.70786347227 77% => OK
Paragraphs: 6.0 5.15768463074 116% => OK
Language errors: 4.0 5.25449101796 76% => OK
Sentences with positive sentiment : 13.0 8.20758483034 158% => OK
Sentences with negative sentiment : 5.0 6.88822355289 73% => OK
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 5.0 4.67664670659 107% => OK
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?
Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.301944428343 0.218282227539 138% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.103347849556 0.0743258471296 139% => OK
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.0844502593381 0.0701772020484 120% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.142401771051 0.128457276422 111% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.125338463941 0.0628817314937 199% => OK
Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 11.7 14.3799401198 81% => Automated_readability_index is low.
flesch_reading_ease: 53.21 48.3550499002 110% => OK
smog_index: 3.1 7.1628742515 43% => Smog_index is low.
flesch_kincaid_grade: 10.3 12.197005988 84% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 12.07 12.5979740519 96% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 7.67 8.32208582834 92% => OK
difficult_words: 85.0 98.500998004 86% => OK
linsear_write_formula: 14.0 12.3882235529 113% => OK
gunning_fog: 9.2 11.1389221557 83% => OK
text_standard: 12.0 11.9071856287 101% => OK
What are above readability scores?
---------------------
Rates: 66.67 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 4.0 Out of 6
---------------------
Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.