Milk and dairy products are rich in vitaminD and calcium, substances
essential for building and maintaining bones. Many people therefore believe that a diet rich in dairy
products can help prevent osteoporosis, a disease in which the bones weaken significantly with age and
that is linked to both environmental and genetic factors. But a long-term study of a large number of
people has found that those who have consistently consumed dairy products throughout the years of the
study have a higher rate of bone fractures than any other participants in the study(2,3,4). Since bone
fractures are a symptom of osteoporosis(1), this study result shows that a diet rich in dairy products
may actually increase, rather than decrease, the risk of osteoporosis.
In this argument, the author claims that milk and dairy products will enhance the risk of osteoporosis. He draws such a conclusion totally due to a study shows that people who consume dairy products have a higher rate of bone fractures. From my perspective, though this argument, at first glimpse, is seemingly reasonable. Nevertheless, there are some crucial flaws which may undermine this argument a lot.
First of all, this argument points out that dairy products will lead to osteoporosis because bone fractures are a symptom of osteoporosis. However, there are some other reasons which will cause bone fractures as well. For example, some people's bones are more fragile than others, so they are more likely to have such a symptom. The author just look osteoporosis as the only reason which cause bone fractures, and it cannot convince us.
Moreover, the argument shows us a study about the relationship between dairy products and osteoporosis, but it is not convincing. Since we do not have specific figures about these samples, we cannot know whether these are some mistakes on this study. In order to give us a receivable result, the author should clarify it.
In addition, though the study is correct, the author cannot draw such a conclusion as well. Maybe some patients who have this disease adopt the advice from their doctors that dairy products will have some benefit effects on their bodies, and then they consume more dairy products to cure their disease. If so, the study will have the same result, but it totally disprove the conclusion of the author.
To sum up, if the author still wants to strengthen his argument, he has to response these three points aforementioned. If he can provide more details about the dairy products and osteoporosis, his argument will be more compelling.
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Comments
Essay evaluation report
Sentence: First of all, this argument points out that dairy products will lead to osteoporosis because bone fractures are a symptom of osteoporosis.
Description: The fragment a symptom of is not usually preceded by are
Suggestion: Possible agreement error: Replace are with is
Sentence: Maybe some patients who have this disease adopt the advice from their doctors that dairy products will have some benefit effects on their bodies, and then they consume more dairy products to cure their disease.
Description: The fragment disease adopt the is rare
Suggestion: Possible agreement error: Replace adopt with verb, past tense
Sentence: To sum up, if the author still wants to strengthen his argument, he has to response these three points aforementioned.
Description: The word sum is not usually used as a verb, base: uninflected present, imperative or infinitive
Suggestion: Refer to sum
Sentence: Nevertheless, there are some crucial flaws which may undermine this argument a lot.
Error: may Suggestion: No alternate word
argument 1 -- OK
argument 2 -- not OK
argument 3 -- OK
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Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 3.0 out of 6
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 16 15
No. of Words: 300 350
No. of Characters: 1460 1500
No. of Different Words: 148 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.162 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.867 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.538 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 98 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 74 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 47 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 24 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 18.75 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 5.414 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.75 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.361 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.598 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.16 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5
Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 7, column 363, Rule ID: IT_VBZ[1]
Message: Did you mean 'disproves'?
Suggestion: disproves
...ll have the same result, but it totally disprove the conclusion of the author. To su...
^^^^^^^^
Transition Words or Phrases used:
but, first, however, if, look, may, moreover, nevertheless, so, still, then, well, as to, for example, in addition, first of all, to sum up
Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments
Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 10.0 19.6327345309 51% => More to be verbs wanted.
Auxiliary verbs: 12.0 12.9520958084 93% => OK
Conjunction : 7.0 11.1786427146 63% => OK
Relative clauses : 9.0 13.6137724551 66% => More relative clauses wanted.
Pronoun: 33.0 28.8173652695 115% => OK
Preposition: 28.0 55.5748502994 50% => More preposition wanted.
Nominalization: 9.0 16.3942115768 55% => More nominalizations (nouns with a suffix like: tion ment ence ance) wanted.
Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 1513.0 2260.96107784 67% => OK
No of words: 300.0 441.139720559 68% => More content wanted.
Chars per words: 5.04333333333 5.12650576532 98% => OK
Fourth root words length: 4.16179145029 4.56307096286 91% => OK
Word Length SD: 2.67642174056 2.78398813304 96% => OK
Unique words: 154.0 204.123752495 75% => More unique words wanted.
Unique words percentage: 0.513333333333 0.468620217663 110% => OK
syllable_count: 474.3 705.55239521 67% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.6 1.59920159681 100% => OK
A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 5.0 4.96107784431 101% => OK
Article: 6.0 8.76447105788 68% => OK
Subordination: 6.0 2.70958083832 221% => Less adverbial clause wanted.
Conjunction: 4.0 1.67365269461 239% => Less conjunction wanted as sentence beginning.
Preposition: 7.0 4.22255489022 166% => OK
Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 16.0 19.7664670659 81% => Need more sentences. Double check the format of sentences, make sure there is a space between two sentences, or have enough periods. And also check the lengths of sentences, maybe they are too long.
Sentence length: 18.0 22.8473053892 79% => The Avg. Sentence Length is relatively short.
Sentence length SD: 31.9505844039 57.8364921388 55% => The essay contains lots of sentences with the similar length. More sentence varieties wanted.
Chars per sentence: 94.5625 119.503703932 79% => OK
Words per sentence: 18.75 23.324526521 80% => OK
Discourse Markers: 8.6875 5.70786347227 152% => OK
Paragraphs: 5.0 5.15768463074 97% => OK
Language errors: 1.0 5.25449101796 19% => OK
Sentences with positive sentiment : 3.0 8.20758483034 37% => More positive sentences wanted.
Sentences with negative sentiment : 9.0 6.88822355289 131% => OK
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 4.0 4.67664670659 86% => OK
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?
Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.136660572105 0.218282227539 63% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.0511475505747 0.0743258471296 69% => OK
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.0449457805411 0.0701772020484 64% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.0823649315822 0.128457276422 64% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.034223286172 0.0628817314937 54% => OK
Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 11.7 14.3799401198 81% => Automated_readability_index is low.
flesch_reading_ease: 53.21 48.3550499002 110% => OK
smog_index: 3.1 7.1628742515 43% => Smog_index is low.
flesch_kincaid_grade: 10.3 12.197005988 84% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 11.95 12.5979740519 95% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 7.74 8.32208582834 93% => OK
difficult_words: 61.0 98.500998004 62% => More difficult words wanted.
linsear_write_formula: 8.0 12.3882235529 65% => OK
gunning_fog: 9.2 11.1389221557 83% => OK
text_standard: 12.0 11.9071856287 101% => OK
What are above readability scores?
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Rates: 50.0 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 3.0 Out of 6
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Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.