The following appeared as part of an article in a health and beauty magazine.
"A group of volunteers participated in a study of consumer responses to the new Luxess face cream. Every morning for a month, they washed their faces with mild soap and then applied Luxess. At the end of that month, most volunteers reported a marked improvement in the way their skin looked and felt. Thus it appears that Luxess is truly effective in improving the condition of facial skin."
In this article, the author explains that a number of volunteer have been experimented for using the new Luxess face cream in a condition that all of them have been asked to use it for one month. At the end of experiment, it was revealed that most of volunteers reported an extreme improvement in the way their skin looked and felt; however, in this claim, the author has not considered a number of assumptions and probabilities that might have a significant impact in the final result. Some of them are presented as follows:
Firstly, he/she explains that some volunteers have been chosen for this study; however, he/she never explains more about them in details; for example, he never says about problems in their skin and face or even, never states that do these volunteers have originally problem with their faces or not? It might be possible that some of them have no problem while they are participate in the study. Hence, it is not convincing enough that just talk about "some volunteers" but, it must be also disscused about their skin's condition and the problems might confront with.
Secondly, in the article has been mentioned that all volunteers used a mild soap; but, it never gives any additional information and condition about the soap; some conditions such as the kind of soap and, the amount of it that they used. It might be happened that someone has used a better kind of soap or another one has utilized a moderate kind of soap. Hence, the result will not be persuasive untill the type and condition of the soap would be well expanded.
Thirdly, the author alleges that after one month, most of volunteers announced a marked improvement in their skins and how it felt; however, there is no extra explanation about the way the skin "look" and "felt". These two items must be expressed as a better quantity or even a quality amount that could be compared with the initial condition. In fact, the degree of satisfaction is diffrent among people and in this study, there is no information about the quality and quantity of this satisfaction and needs more details.
As a summary, this article cannot be counted as a convincing one and there are a lot of flows; the condition of the volunteers must be presented in high detail; moreover, the condition of soap and usage must be explained well; in addition, the quality and quantity of the way the skin "looked" and "felt" must be more clear.
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Sentence: Hence, it is not convincing enough that just talk about 'some volunteers' but, it must be also disscused about their skin's condition and the problems might confront with.
Error: disscused Suggestion: discussed
Sentence: Hence, the result will not be persuasive untill the type and condition of the soap would be well expanded.
Error: untill Suggestion: until
Sentence: In fact, the degree of satisfaction is diffrent among people and in this study, there is no information about the quality and quantity of this satisfaction and needs more details.
Error: diffrent Suggestion: different
Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 5.0 out of 6
Category: Very Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 3 2
No. of Sentences: 13 15
No. of Words: 422 350
No. of Characters: 1929 1500
No. of Different Words: 171 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.532 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.571 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.504 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 112 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 87 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 63 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 42 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 32.462 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 14.383 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.769 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.371 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.651 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.146 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5