The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monrose.
"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nerest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, the proposed new jazz club in Monroe, the C-Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer; several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe; and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly', which airs every weeknight at 7 P.M. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment."
As a part of an application for a small-business loan, the author try to indicate the future in this argument that it is a good idea to build a jazz music club in Monroe and it will be popular and profitable. While it may be true that bank could give them loan for the new club, this statement is rife with holes and assumptions as follow, and thus, it is not strong enough to proof the author's opinion.
First, it is not an unimpeachable thesis that the C-Note will be popular and profitable for its the only jazz club in 65 miles. Residents, who live in Monroe for a long time would find a jazz music club proper to themselves beyond all question,if they really like and need it. We cannot sure that a new jazz club will attract them from other clubs which they are joining now for the only advantage of its short distance. The huge difference of all residents' interest on various kinds of jazz might be the reason of why there is no jazz music club in Monroe. In a word, we cannot say a new club will have the local market all to itself or it may be profitable because of the want of jazz music club in Monroe.
Second, the number of enthusiast and well-known musicians attended Monroe's jazz festival is as unpersuadable as the radio program called "Jazz Nightly", which has the highest-rated and seemed popular enough. It is obviously that not all of the 100,000 people who attended the Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer are the residents of Monroe. There may be a high proportion of them came from other cities. So, the number is not strong enough to prove the enthusiasm of Monroe's residents on jazz. Even assuming all of people living in Monroe are interested on jazz, the rate of radio program "Jazz Nightly" gives us a reason to believe that them like to enjoy jazz music through the free way like radio instead of pay to club.
Finally, the result of a nationwide survey indicated than jazz fans willing to spend close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. To be honest, I really doubt the authenticity of the number. But even assuming it is representative, the nationwide number could not same with Monroe. It is not a usable number for the club manager.
To draw a conclusion, this argument have not suppose the opinion of the writer, who believes that it will be tremendously profitable enterprise to build a jazz club in Monroe. We need more tangible evidence to prove that a jazz music club will be profitable.
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| 2012-07-27 | mapleleafdream | 88 | view |
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Sentence: As a part of an application for a small-business loan, the author try to indicate the future in this argument that it is a good idea to build a jazz music club in Monroe and it will be popular and profitable.
Description: The fragment author try to is rare
Suggestion: Possible agreement error: Replace try with verb, past tense
Sentence: First, it is not an unimpeachable thesis that the C-Note will be popular and profitable for its the only jazz club in 65 miles.
Description: The tag a determiner, possessive is not usually followed by the
Suggestion: Refer to its and the
Sentence: There may be a high proportion of them came from other cities.
Description: The fragment them came from is rare
Suggestion: Possible agreement error: Replace came with verb, base: uninflected present, imperative or infinitive
Sentence: Even assuming all of people living in Monroe are interested on jazz, the rate of radio program 'Jazz Nightly' gives us a reason to believe that them like to enjoy jazz music through the free way like radio instead of pay to club.
Description: The token that is not usually followed by a pronoun, personal, accusative
Suggestion: Refer to that and them
flaws:
No. of Grammatical Errors: 4 2
Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 5.0 out of 6
Category: Very Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 4 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 18 15
No. of Words: 442 350
No. of Characters: 1956 1500
No. of Different Words: 199 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.585 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.425 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.51 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 122 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 75 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 54 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 35 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 24.556 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 9.822 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.556 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.372 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.585 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.166 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5