Even though globalization affects the world’s economies in a very positive way, its negative side should not be forgotten. Discuss.

Ideas are OK, but Sentence-Sentence Coherence is not good enough:
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.022 0.07

You don't try to tell a story in one sentence and them jump to another story. You can develop the story smoothly with more content.

and you don't need to put a lot of ideas in one paragraphs. one idea is enough but you need more argument. Like the pattern we recommended:

Para 2: First,reason 1 (1 sentence) + why reason 1(some arguments. 2-3 sentences) + examples for reason 1 (around 2 sentences) + small conclusions (like advantages of reason 1 or comparisons if not reason 1, 1-2 sentences).

This is because of your writing style. You put two or more ideas in one paragraph. Look at the second paragraph:

'widespread establishment of multinational companies of developed nations in every nook and corner of world has surely uplifted economy of nations. For instance, a massive proportion of people are getting jobs to earn back and belly. Hence, per person income is on the rise, leading to economic well being. Besides this, exchange of hard currencies, paying hefty some of tax to host government by international companies, rising import and export between nations on account of glabalization have a gigantic contribution to world's economy'.

this paragraph can separate more ideas:

idea 1:
widespread establishment of multinational companies of developed nations in every nook and corner of world has surely uplifted economy of nations. For instance, a massive proportion of people are getting jobs to earn back and belly. Hence, per person income is on the rise, leading to economic well being.

idea 2/3/4:
besides this, exchange of hard currencies, paying hefty some of tax to host government by international companies, rising import and export between nations on account of glabalization have a gigantic contribution to world's economy

It is not an issue, but it is not in the favor of essay E-rater.

You can read some GRE/GMAT essays, the way they used is in the favor of essay E-rater:
http://www.testbig.com/essay-categories/gmatgre

??? reply sir

You may try this pattern:
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Para 1: introduction. my choice: B (suppose you are going to support B not A).. agree or disagree.

Para 2: Admittedly, there are some advantages for A. First, one advantage of A (1-2 sentence). What is more, another advantage of A(1-2 sentence).

Para 3: Nevertheless, advantages of B. First,reason 1 (1 sentence) + why reason 1(some arguments. 2-3 sentences) + examples for reason 1 (around 2 sentences) + small conclusions (like advantages of reason 1 or comparisons if not reason 1, 1-2 sentences).

Para 4: moreover, reason 2 blabla... do the same thing like reason 1.

Para 5: Conclusion.
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You don't necessarily follow this pattern. Try the one you like the most. But you can give your students more options.

As we talked about, the pattern is for those who are new in IELTS writing. By pattern they can quickly get the point and don't waste time on how to do the writing.

However, once they know the basic skills on essay writing, you should ask them forget about the pattern and have their own writing styles which fit them the most or they like the most.

So we don't see anything wrong if you tell them all patterns and let them make a choice. And we don't see one pattern is better than others. Maybe the pattern is good for GRE but not for IELTS, who knows.

The important thing is that after they know the patterns, they need to learn how to develop polished sentences, how to make sure there are no grammar issues, etc.