For success in a future job, the ability to relate well to people is more important than studying hard in school

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For success in a future job, the ability to relate well to people is more important than studying hard in school

Although, it can be argued that well education is important to be successful in your future job, I disagree that it is more important than having good relate with people. Three reasons persuade me to put forward this opinion. First of all, one of the vital elements of successful job is to have good connection with your coworker; moreover, decent communication with client is the other factors of successful business, and finally, person how is skillful in making speech can easily deliver her opinion.

First of all, it is very important to have good network toward the employees in the office; in this situation, they can easily convey their opinion, exchange their idea which can makes them to think more sufficiently. They can be more creative and make wide range of solution whenever face the problems. In this condition, it is rare to be unsuccessful, because they well have cooperation instead of competition which is more useful in the business.

Moreover, professional employee is one who talented at communication with clients. The first base in any business is satisfaction of the clients; in this condition, good communication with clients, which satisfy them for your function can consider as one of the basic factors to be successful in your job. So, if the person has the ability to relate with clients, make them to be satisfied by her function, it can be consider as a successful business.

Finally, from my point of view, one who can easily deliver her idea is successful. Maybe, you have the best education, you study in the best university, moreover you have creative mind for any problem or situation; if you cannot present them well, it can be defined as nothing; because those idea seems good in your mind and no one else can find them as important and useful as you can. They are just useful and fantastic in your mind. However, if you are able to present well, you can deliver a simple idea as a unique idea in your job.

To recap, although good education is important in your future job, I believe that abilities to relate with people comes first; because, you can have good communication with your partner in the office, you can well present your idea, and finally you are able to satisfy your clients.

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well education is important
good education is important

person how is skillful in making speech can easily deliver her opinion.
person who is skillful in making speech can easily deliver her opinion.

Sentence: First of all, it is very important to have good network toward the employees in the office; in this situation, they can easily convey their opinion, exchange their idea which can makes them to think more sufficiently.
Description: A modal auxillary is not usually followed by a verb, present tense, 3rd person singular
Suggestion: Refer to can and makes

Sentence: Moreover, professional employee is one who talented at communication with clients.
Description: A WH-pronoun, nominative is not usually followed by an adjective
Suggestion: Refer to who and talented

it can be consider as a successful business.
it can be considered as a successful business.

abilities to relate with people comes first;
abilities to relate with people come first;

flaws:
No. of Grammatical Errors: 6 2
No. of Words: 385 while No. of Different Words: 155

Don't need to list reasons in the introduction and conclusion both. This will create duplicated content.

Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 18 in 30
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 6 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 14 15
No. of Words: 385 350
No. of Characters: 1792 1500
No. of Different Words: 155 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.43 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.655 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.55 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 123 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 95 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 60 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 34 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 27.5 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 14.807 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.786 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.404 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.635 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.263 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5