If you could make one important change in a school that you attended, what change would you make? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.
People always remember the schools that they attended because it is the place where we learn most of the things that will define our future careers. My school was an excellent place, but I think that the school would have been more interesting if the government would have invested more money. I consider that money would have solved many problems that existed when I was student, and even by that time the students would have learned more. In order to illustrate my point, I will develop some arguments in the next paragraphs.
In the first place, if the school budget is increased more technological equipment can be bought. Even though when I assisted school there were computers, they didn't possess the adequate quality for students to use the internet. My partners and I complained and proposed to the school's director to renew the computers' lab. He said that there was not possible because the school didn't have the resources to do it. Therefore, with more money faster computers would have been bought it for the school and the students would have used the internet, and even increased their knowledge.
Another noteworthy aspect that should be reflected in this explanation is that with more money the school might hire new teachers and expand the hours of classes. Although in my school students assists from 7 AM to 2:30 PM, with more economic resources this shift might be extended. If this happen, teachers my address new topics in depth, and even students' parent might work for more hours and increase their income. Therefore, implementing this new shift will also improve the educational level of students, and for sure they might have a better performance in university.
Finally, with more money my school would give awards to outstanding students and encourage other peers to fallow their steps. As a matter of fact, people that work in any field are encouraged when their works are recognized. Therefore, the students who earn a grade of A should be given an award because they will continue working even harder. With this plight, also other students who earned a B will understand that if they work harder they can get a grade of A and be recognized as well. This fact for sure will increase the education level of students in my school.
All in all, for the reasons stated above, I consider that if my school receives more money, it might improves because better computers can be bought, more teachers hired, and finally awards to encourage good students.
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when I was student
when I was a student
Sentence: Although in my school students assists from 7 AM to 2:30 PM, with more economic resources this shift might be extended.
Description: A noun, plural, common is not usually followed by a noun, plural, common
Suggestion: Refer to students and assists
faster computers would have been bought it for the school
faster computers would have been bought for the school
people that work in any field are encouraged
people who work in any field are encouraged
it might improves
it might improve
because better computers can be bought, more teachers hired, and finally awards to encourage good students.
Description: can you re-write this sentence?
Sentence: If this happen, teachers my address new topics in depth, and even students' parent might work for more hours and increase their income.
Description: The fragment this happen , is rare
Suggestion: Possible agreement error: Replace happen with verb, present tense, 3rd person singular
Description: A noun, plural, common is not usually followed by a determiner, possessive
Suggestion: Refer to teachers and my
Sentence: Finally, with more money my school would give awards to outstanding students and encourage other peers to fallow their steps.
Description: A noun, singular, common is not usually followed by a determiner, possessive
Suggestion: Refer to money and my
flaws:
No. of Grammatical Errors: 9 2
No. of Words: 425 while No. of Different Words: 198
Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 20 in 30
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 8 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 19 15
No. of Words: 425 350
No. of Characters: 2010 1500
No. of Different Words: 198 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.54 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.729 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.421 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 137 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 94 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 73 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 36 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 22.368 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 5.431 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.474 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.355 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.564 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.115 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5