Integrated essay from ETS official guide to toefl test ''Doubts on Rembrandt painting"
The reading states that painting known as Portrait of an Elderly Woman in a White Bonnet is not really painted by Rembrandt, a famous Dutch painter. Reading explains the reasons for it. In the lecture, the professor explains that it was painted by Rembrandt only, but there are some corrections made to the original paint.
First, lecture explains that x-rays of pigments in the paint shows that, they paint some fur color over the original paint. It was done hundred years after the original paint drawn. Lecturer explains that may be they did it to increase the value of the portrait. This strongly opposes the reading, which states that there is something inconsistent in dressing.
Next lecture explains that by painting new fur again, it turned dark and instead of illuminating the light, it absorbed the light. This explains the reason for reading which states that there is mistake in light and shadow.
Finally, to add the fur color we need a single piece of wood to draw, so they draw it on single piece of wood and attached it to the original painting with glue. The wood which is used to draw new one is similar to that of original wood. This explanations clearly explains the doubt in the reading that, Rembrandt used only single piece.
Thus explaining these reasons lecture supports that paintings are really drawn by Rembrandt only, but just small fur color is added to the original painting.
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Sentence: Lecturer explains that may be they did it to increase the value of the portrait.
Description: A verb 'to be', infinitive or imperative is not usually followed by a pronoun, personal, nominative, not 3rd person singular
Suggestion: Refer to be and they
Sentence: This explanations clearly explains the doubt in the reading that, Rembrandt used only single piece.
Description: A determiner/pronoun, singular is not usually followed by a noun, plural, common
Suggestion: Refer to This and explanations
Sentence: Thus explaining these reasons lecture supports that paintings are really drawn by Rembrandt only, but just small fur color is added to the original painting.
Description: A noun, plural, common is not usually followed by a noun, singular, common
Suggestion: Refer to reasons and lecture
flaws:
The correct pattern:
para 1: introduction
para 2: doubt 1
para 3: doubt 2
para 4: doubt 3
Don't need to reiterate the contents of reading passages in the introduction paragraph.
Don't need a conclusion.
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Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 22 in 30
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 3 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 13 10
No. of Words: 242 250
No. of Characters: 1137 1200
No. of Different Words: 113 150
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 3.944 4.3
Average Word Length: 4.698 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.322 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 75 80
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 61 60
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 39 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 12 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 18.615 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 6.978 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.462 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.38 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.589 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.117 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 4