The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, the proposed new jazz club in Monroe, the C-Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer; several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe; and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight at 7 P.M. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment."
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.
The argument claims that loan would be spent for a lucrative business if it is used to open a jazz club in Monroe; since jazz is a popular music in Monroe, and currently there is any jazz club in the city. In addition, the argument asserts that jazz fans spend considerable amount of money on jazz entertainment. Stated in this way the argument manipulates the facts and conveys a distorted view of the situation. The conclusion of the argument relies on assumptions for which there is no clear evidence. Hence, the argument is unconvincing and has several flaws.
First, the argument readily assumes that jazz is exteremely popular in Monroe, hence; the club would be profitable. This claim is stretched and undeveloped. The argument asserts that jazz festival that organized in Monroe last summer attracted 100,000 people and the most popular radio program in the city is “Jazz Nightly”. Even though there was a huge participation to the festival, it does not indicate that jazz music club would be prosperous. It might be the case that this festival is the only jazz festival in the area, thus; a lot of people outside of the city came to this festival last year. If this is the case, the success of the night club should not be seen as a guarantee due to considerable number of people in the festival. In addition, the argument asserts that most popular radio program is a jazz program, hence; the club would be profitable. Although jazz music program is the highest-rated program in the city, the number of people who listen radio might be limited. Moreover, people might prefer to listen radio and attend festival, but do not like frequenting night clubs. Consequently, the argument would be much stronger if it explicitly stated the number of people who might be the potential customers of the club instead of providing just vague assertions.
Second, the argument claims that several famous jazz players live in Monroe and it is an indicator of potential of the jazz club. This is again very weak and unconvincing as the argument does not demonstrate any clear connection between number of jazz players dwell in Monroe and the profitability of the club. Actually, it is not very clear what the author wants to achieve by stating this information. Even though several jazz musicians pursue their lives in Monroe, it does not indicate that jazz is a popular music in there. These people might prefer to settle in there because it might be their hometown. Moreover, if the argument assumes that these people would sing in the night club; it might not result as expected. Since these jazz musicians are well known, they might attend tournes or perform in other night clubs in different cities. They might not be a part of the program of C-Note because of their busy schedule. As a result, the argument would be substantially stronger if it clearly presented the relation between the lucrativeness of the night club and number of famous jazz players live in Monroe.
Finally, the argument presents a survey that indicates a typical jazz fan spends almost 1000$ per year for jazz entertainment. However, the argument does not present any source for the study. There is no information in the argument regarding the scope of the survey and the people conducted the survey. Hence, the validity of the survey is not high. In addition, even if the survey is a reliabile one, it does not indicate that people in Monroe are also likely to spend this much money on jazz. The economic situation in Monroe might not be available for such an expenditure. Without convincing information about the reliability of the survey and willingness of the populace of Monroe to spend money on jazz club, the argument remains more of a wishful thinking rather than substantive evidence.
In conclusion, the argument is flawed for the above-mentioned reasons and therefore it is unconvincing. The argument would be stronger if it clearly illustrated statistics regarding the potential clientele of the jazz club in Monroe. In order to evaluate the merits of a certain decision, it is essential to have full knowledge of all contibuting factors. In this case, people’s tendecy to spend money on jazz entertainment would be beneficial. Without this information, the argument remains unsupported and open to debate.
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Sentence: First, the argument readily assumes that jazz is exteremely popular in Monroe, hence; the club would be profitable.
Error: exteremely Suggestion: extremely
Sentence: In order to evaluate the merits of a certain decision, it is essential to have full knowledge of all contibuting factors.
Error: contibuting Suggestion: contributing
Sentence: In this case, people's tendecy to spend money on jazz entertainment would be beneficial.
Error: tendecy Suggestion: tendency
flaws:
No. of Words: 723 350 (write the essay in half an hour)
Argument 1 -- OK
Argument 2 -- OK
Argument 3 -- Not really. Need to be more clearly. 'a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment.', But this may not for Monroe.
Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 4.5 out of 6
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 3 2
No. of Sentences: 36 15
No. of Words: 723 350
No. of Characters: 3490 1500
No. of Different Words: 260 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 5.185 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.827 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.668 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 247 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 180 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 127 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 72 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 20.083 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 7.635 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.583 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.329 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.463 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.108 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5