The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, the proposed new jazz club in Monroe, the C-Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer; several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe; and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight at 7 P.M. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment."
With the intention of strengthening the consistency of their loan request, the developers came up with the conclusion of profitability that seems a derivative of several reasoning points. Unfortunately, a substantial part of the motivation they propose is not flawless and shows a number of generalizing sentences that do need some evidences to be assessed. In particular, there is a superficial use of some words, such as “extremely popular”, “several” and “entertainment”, while some entire sentences do not show any concrete relationship with the conclusion if they are not backed up with other specific evidences.
The “extreme popularity” of jazz in Monroe is maintained as a result of three occurrences. The first one is that over 100.000 people attended the jazz festival last summer in Monroe. It is clearly evident that this could be by no means a compelling argument if, for example, the city of Monroe is inhabited by several million citizens. In fact, we do not know any info about census in Monroe. Moreover, many circumstances could have made the jazz festival a successful event even if there is no real interest in jazz from the citizens of Monroe. For instance, how many of the 100.000 have come from far away just for that specific festival? Or were there any other entertaining activities in the city that were postponed for any reasons? These, indeed, could prove a crucial weakness of the argument.
Another motivation for the developers to maintain that the C-Note project can be a productive one is that the radio program “Jazzy Night”, aired every weeknight at 7 P.M., is the highest-rated. While this can be an effective prove for the reasonability of the loan, some evidences must be elucidated. As a matter of fact, if at 7 P.M. there is no concrete concurrence, then the radio achievement in being the highest-rated would really mean nothing. What is more, if the radio is broadcasted all over the nation, its success could really be related to some other cities and communities of jazz-loving people. The next flaw directly comes from this de-localization issue.
In fact, the developers also report a “nation-wide study”, but it does not seem to be of any use in the loan request. Two are the eventual facts that should have been proposed to make the argument more convincing: first is the average disposable income of the “jazz fan”, as to make evaluate the importance of the observed spent 1000 dollars; then, a qualification of the terms of the study. In particular, what is “jazz entertainment? It could be jazz personal practice, or purchasing of LPs and CDs, and these could definitely make the survey useless for the loan suitability assessment.
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Comments
Essay evaluation report
Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 4.5 out of 6
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 20 15
No. of Words: 448 350
No. of Characters: 2167 1500
No. of Different Words: 228 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.601 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.837 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.933 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 137 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 112 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 87 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 60 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 22.4 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 10.126 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.65 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.287 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.478 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.056 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 4 5
Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 5, column 236, Rule ID: PROVE_PROOF[2]
Message: Did you mean 'proof' (noun) instead of prove (verb)?
Suggestion: proof
...t-rated. While this can be an effective prove for the reasonability of the loan, some...
^^^^^
Line 7, column 37, Rule ID: EN_A_VS_AN
Message: Use 'an' instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
Suggestion: an
... In fact, the developers also report a 'nation-wide study', but it d...
^
Transition Words or Phrases used:
also, but, first, if, moreover, really, so, then, while, as to, for example, for instance, in fact, in particular, such as, as a matter of fact, as a result, what is more
Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments
Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 28.0 19.6327345309 143% => OK
Auxiliary verbs: 12.0 12.9520958084 93% => OK
Conjunction : 8.0 11.1786427146 72% => OK
Relative clauses : 9.0 13.6137724551 66% => More relative clauses wanted.
Pronoun: 21.0 28.8173652695 73% => OK
Preposition: 55.0 55.5748502994 99% => OK
Nominalization: 14.0 16.3942115768 85% => OK
Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 2322.0 2260.96107784 103% => OK
No of words: 447.0 441.139720559 101% => OK
Chars per words: 5.19463087248 5.12650576532 101% => OK
Fourth root words length: 4.59808378696 4.56307096286 101% => OK
Word Length SD: 3.42744492978 2.78398813304 123% => OK
Unique words: 234.0 204.123752495 115% => OK
Unique words percentage: 0.523489932886 0.468620217663 112% => OK
syllable_count: 738.0 705.55239521 105% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.7 1.59920159681 106% => OK
A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 4.0 4.96107784431 81% => OK
Article: 8.0 8.76447105788 91% => OK
Subordination: 6.0 2.70958083832 221% => Less adverbial clause wanted.
Conjunction: 5.0 1.67365269461 299% => Less conjunction wanted as sentence beginning.
Preposition: 6.0 4.22255489022 142% => OK
Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 20.0 19.7664670659 101% => OK
Sentence length: 22.0 22.8473053892 96% => OK
Sentence length SD: 66.1535146459 57.8364921388 114% => OK
Chars per sentence: 116.1 119.503703932 97% => OK
Words per sentence: 22.35 23.324526521 96% => OK
Discourse Markers: 8.5 5.70786347227 149% => OK
Paragraphs: 4.0 5.15768463074 78% => More paragraphs wanted.
Language errors: 2.0 5.25449101796 38% => OK
Sentences with positive sentiment : 11.0 8.20758483034 134% => OK
Sentences with negative sentiment : 5.0 6.88822355289 73% => OK
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 4.0 4.67664670659 86% => OK
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?
Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.167500575761 0.218282227539 77% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.0583564345742 0.0743258471296 79% => OK
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.0346674483068 0.0701772020484 49% => Sentences are similar to each other.
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.106613670082 0.128457276422 83% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.0417638535361 0.0628817314937 66% => OK
Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 14.2 14.3799401198 99% => OK
flesch_reading_ease: 40.69 48.3550499002 84% => OK
smog_index: 11.2 7.1628742515 156% => OK
flesch_kincaid_grade: 13.1 12.197005988 107% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 13.12 12.5979740519 104% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 8.79 8.32208582834 106% => OK
difficult_words: 115.0 98.500998004 117% => OK
linsear_write_formula: 17.0 12.3882235529 137% => OK
gunning_fog: 10.8 11.1389221557 97% => OK
text_standard: 11.0 11.9071856287 92% => OK
What are above readability scores?
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Rates: 75.0 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 4.5 Out of 6
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Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.