"One recent research study has indicated that many adolescents need more sleep than they are getting, and another study has shown that many high school students in our city are actually dissatisfied with their own academic performance. As a way of combating these problems, the high schools in our city should begin classes at 8:30 A.M. instead of 7:30 A.M., and end the school day an hour later. This arrangement will give students an extra hour of sleep in the morning, thereby making them more alert and more productive. Consequently, the students will perform better on tests and other assignments, and their academic skills will improve significantly.”
In this set of arguments the author of this letter recommends that taking one more hour of sleeping in the morning will be advantageous to adolescent and students. The reasons appeared in this letter are not somehow considerably convincing.
Being a dubious, outcome of an unknown research indicates that many adolescents need more sleep than they are getting. One can easily refute this announcement because no one comprehensively introduced the researcher or the foundation in which these researches had been held. As a result, the outcomes of the researches are not for sure and cogent regarding the sleep deficiency among adolescent or students.
Dissatisfaction with academic performance is related to sleeping hours in an illogical manner in this letter. There are so many other reasons which affect satisfactory of performance ant not all of them pertain to student oriented issues. Being in a poor condition, high school equipment will lead to a disapproval of academic outcomes. Another reason could be mentioned as uneducated and unskilled teachers who are in charge of teaching in the mentioned high schools. Low quality of teaching will make students weaker compared to the specified goals of educational system which induces a sense of falling down in academic advancement.
About changing school time from 7:30 a.m. to 8:30 a.m. does not convincingly improve students’ performance in a dazzling way precious to be considered. One can easily take it as students’ laziness that like to sleep more in the morning and have nothing to do with their sleep shortage. They may be at parties late at night and just having their festive clamors till they are tired and there is no doubt that ,in this case, not only they need to sleep more in morning, but they will go downward with their performance in the high school.
Appreciating missing reasons in this argument, there is another possibility to be effective on satisfaction and performance of high school students and adolescents. This reason could be related to hygienic issues. For example factories around may cause the air polluted which make people lethargic while inhaling the polluted air with lead, carbon monoxide, and other gases. In addition, the springs providing drinking water or water reservoirs of the city may be polluted by a chemical that makes people flaccid and drowsy all the time.
To sum up, the letter discusses a material and goes forward to a conclusion without preparing any granted reasons and represents some ratiocination on some whimsical causes that are not true wholly and could be easily repudiated.
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not only they need to sleep more in morning, but they will go downward with their performance in the high school.
Description: Not only...but also is not used properly. can you re-write this sentence?
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argument 1 -- not OK. You have to accept that all survey and study are correct if you can't prove they are wrong.
suggested:
the author begins by stating the unmet sleep requirements of adolescents, and he correlates this requirement to that of high school students. This may not be correct, as high school students, being significantly older in age to adolescents may have different - possibly lower - sleep duration requirements. Therefore, this implicit assumption of the author, that the sleep duration requirements of high school students are unmet in proportion to those of adolescents, is not necessarily correct.
argument 2 and argument 4 area talking about the same thing.
argument 3 -- OK
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Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 3.5 out of 6
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 1 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 18 15
No. of Words: 423 350
No. of Characters: 2136 1500
No. of Different Words: 227 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.535 4.7
Average Word Length: 5.05 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.835 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 159 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 126 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 91 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 54 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 23.5 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 8.77 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.333 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.29 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.579 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.058 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 6 5