The following appeared in a memo at XYZ company.
"When XYZ lays off employees, it pays Delany Personnel Firm to offer those employees assistance in creating résumés and developing interviewing skills, if they so desire. Laid-off employees have benefited greatly from Delany's services: last year those who used Delany found jobs much more quickly than did those who did not. Recently, it has been proposed that we use the less expensive Walsh Personnel Firm in place of Delany. This would be a mistake because eight years ago, when XYZ was using Walsh, only half of the workers we laid off at that time found jobs within a year. Moreover, Delany is clearly superior, as evidenced by its bigger staff and larger number of branch offices. After all, last year Delany's clients took an average of six months to find jobs, whereas Walsh's clients took nine."
In the memo ,the author argues that the Delany Personnel Firm is effective to offer those emolyees assistance in creating resumes and developing interviewing skills and the firm is better than Walsh. Besides, he cites various evidences to support it, however, none of them are convincing because it relies on a serious of unsubstantiated assumptions which render them unconvincing on their stand.
First, the argument unfairly exaggerate the abilities of Delany Personnel, thus, the author contribute all the success of employees finding on it. However, there is no evidences to substantiate the power of the firm, thus, it is entire possible that nearly all the laid- off employees find on the primarily benefited on their owe internal qualities but rather Delany Personnel's help. Just because they have lots of experience and a good attitude to their work, they eventually find the job, the help of the Delany Personnel only play a auxiliary roles. And for those people who did not find the job, maybe their own abilities is poor, thus, they do not want to spend more money on extra help from Delany Personnel Firm, regarding of the practice's low effective for them.
Second, the author unfairly assumes that the situation of the work market is never change over last eight years. Thus , the author claim that Delany is clearly superior because the firm spend less time helping employees find the job last year than Walsh in eight years ago. However, there is absent evidences to show the situation of the work market between the eights years ago and the last years, thus, we can say that in eight years, there are enough workers working in every realm, thus, it is difficult for Walsh to help people find the job, while in the last year, there is a big lack of workers and nearly every firms needs new employees, especially those experienced people. thus, for Delany, it is much easier for them to help people find the jobs. So, it is unfair to compare the firms ' business in different period of time.
Third, the author also unfairly assumes that bigger staff and larger number of branch offices are equal to the better business and better abilities of the staff. It may be possible, even the staff in the Walsh do the part time job in the firm, their abilities and effectiveness are much better than staff in Delany, because for the same amount of work, staff in Walsh only need three persons to deal with while in Delany, as much as ten persons can address it. Even though the staff in Walsh have other work, it is benefit for Walsh's business, which to some extent appear that staff in there contain more people- circle that is benefit for them to help people find the job.
In sum, the argument is unpersuasive and author needs to offer more evidences to substantiate the assumptions mentioned.
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Sentence: First, the argument unfairly exaggerate the abilities of Delany Personnel, thus, the author contribute all the success of employees finding on it.
Description: The fragment author contribute all is rare
Suggestion: Possible agreement error: Replace contribute with verb, past tense
Sentence: Thus , the author claim that Delany is clearly superior because the firm spend less time helping employees find the job last year than Walsh in eight years ago.
Description: The fragment firm spend less is rare
Suggestion: Possible agreement error: Replace spend with verb, present tense, 3rd person singular
Sentence: However, there is absent evidences to show the situation of the work market between the eights years ago and the last years, thus, we can say that in eight years, there are enough workers working in every realm, thus, it is difficult for Walsh to help people find the job, while in the last year, there is a big lack of workers and nearly every firms needs new employees, especially those experienced people. thus, for Delany, it is much easier for them to help people find the jobs.
Description: A noun, plural, common is not usually followed by a noun, plural, common
Suggestion: Refer to eights and years
Sentence: Even though the staff in Walsh have other work, it is benefit for Walsh's business, which to some extent appear that staff in there contain more people- circle that is benefit for them to help people find the job.
Description: The fragment extent appear that is rare
Suggestion: Possible agreement error: Replace appear with verb, past tense
Sentence: In the memo ,the author argues that the Delany Personnel Firm is effective to offer those emolyees assistance in creating resumes and developing interviewing skills and the firm is better than Walsh.
Error: emolyees Suggestion: employees
flaws:
No. of Grammatical Errors: 5 2
Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 4.0 out of 6
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 5 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 14 15
No. of Words: 483 350
No. of Characters: 2260 1500
No. of Different Words: 203 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.688 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.679 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.398 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 146 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 94 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 63 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 48 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 34.5 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 18.271 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.714 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.382 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.642 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.178 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5