GMAT Crash Course in Effective Writing (II)

5a(4). Start Strong

Try not to begin a sentence with There is, There are, or It is. These roundabout expressions usually indicate that you are trying to distance yourself from the position you are taking. Weak openings usually result from writing before you think- hedging until you find out what you want to say.

5a(5). Active & Passive Voice

The passive voice is weak because it diminishes accountability. When you use the active voice the verb performs an action. The passive voice does not directly suggest that the user does
something.

The passive voice does have value under certain circumstances. For instance, if you want to express something without assigning blame or if there is a question of responsibility. For example:
"collateral damage has taken place". The sentence blames no one and does not assign who actually did it.

PASSIVE: The assignment was completed by Joe in record time.

ACTIVE: Joe completed the assignment in record time.

How is it Graded?

Both the E-rater and the human grader can detect the passive voice and it will lower your score. Admissions officers will also frown on it.

International Students:

Certain languages, such as French, use more passives. Be careful to adjust your style.

Exercises: rewrite the sentences

1. Garbage collectors should be generously rewarded for their dirty, smelly labors.
2. The conditions of the contract agreement were ironed out minutes before the strike deadline.
3. The minutes of the City Council meeting should be taken by the city clerk.
4. With sugar, water, or salt, many ailments contracted in less developed countries could be treated.
5. Test results were distributed with no concern for confidentiality.
6.The report was compiled by a number of field anthropologists and marriage experts.

Answers:

1. incorrect: Garbage collectors should be generously rewarded for their dirty, smelly labors.
correct: City government should generously reward garbage collectors for their dirty, smelly labors.

2. incorrect: The conditions of the contract agreement were ironed out minutes before the strike
deadline.
correct: Negotiators ironed out the conditions of the contract agreement minutes before the strike deadline.

3. incorrect: The minutes of the City Council meeting should be taken by the city clerk.
correct: The city clerk should take the minutes of the City Council meeting.
4. incorrect: With sugar, water, or salt, many ailments contracted in less developed countries could be treated.
correct: With sugar, water, or salt, doctors can treat many of the ailments that citizens of less developed countries contract.

5. incorrect:Test results were distributed with no concern for confidentiality.
correct: The teacher distributed test results with no concern for confidentiality.
6. incorrect: The report was compiled by a number of field anthropologists and marriage experts.
correct: A number of field anthropologists and marriage experts compiled the report.

5a(6). Self-Reference

Effective writers should avoid such unneeded phrases as "I believe," "I feel," and "in my opinion." The grader knows whose opinion is being expressed and he need not be reminded.

WEAK: I am of the opinion that excessive self-reference may add a level of pomposity to an otherwise effective essay.

FORCEFUL: Excessive self-reference may add a level of pomposity to an otherwise effective essay.

Self-reference, like qualification, is effective when used sparingly.

1. I must emphasize that I am not saying the author does not have a point.
2. If I were a college president, I would implement several specific reforms to combat apathy.
3. It is my belief that either alternative would prove disastrous.
Answers

1. The author has a point.
2. College presidents should implement several specific reforms to combat apathy.
3. Either alternative would prove disastrous.
5a(7). Redundancy

Redundancy is the unnecessary repetition of an idea. It is redundant to say "a beginner lacking experience." The word beginner implies lack of experience by itself. You may eliminate redundant words or phrases without changing the meaning of the sentence. Watch out for words that add nothing to the sense of the sentence.

Here are some common redundancies:

Redundant Phrase Concise Phrase
1. refer back to
2. Few in number few
3. Small-sized small
4. Grouped together grouped
5. In my own personal opinion in my opinion
6. End result result
7. Serious crisis crisis
8. New initiatives initiatives

Redundancy often results from carelessness, but you can easily eliminate redundant elements when proofreading.

1. Those who can follow directions are few in number.
2. She has deliberately chosen to change careers.
3. Dialogue opens up many doors to compromise.
4. The ultimate conclusion is that environmental and economic concerns are intertwined.

Answers

1. Few people can follow directions.
2. She has chosen to change careers.
3. Dialogue opens many doors to compromise.
4. The conclusion is that environmental and economic concerns are intertwined.

5a(8): Vague Writing

Don't just ramble on when you're writing your GMAT essays. Choose specific, descriptive words.Vague language weakens your writing because it forces the reader to guess what you mean instead of concentrating fully on your ideas and style.

WEAK: Brown is highly educated.
FORCEFUL: Brown has a master's degree in business administration.

WEAK: She is a great communicator.
FORCEFUL: She speaks persuasively.

Notice that sometimes, to be more specific and concrete, you will have to use more words than you might with vague language. This principle is not in conflict with the general objective of
concision. Being concise may mean eliminating unnecessary words. Avoiding vagueness may mean adding necessary words to illustrate your point.

1. The principal told John that he should not even think about coming back to school until he changed his ways.
2. The police detective had to seek the permission of the lawyer to question the suspect.
3. Thousands of species of animals were destroyed when the last ice age occurred.
4. The secretary was unable to complete the task that had been assigned.
Answers

1. The principal told John that he could not return to school until his behavior improved.
2. The police detective had to ask the lawyer for permission to question the suspect.
3. Thousands of animal species were destroyed in the last ice age.
4. The secretary was unable to type the document.