My future career What would you like to be in future Explain why

Essay topics:

My future career. (What would you like to be in future? Explain why?)

Submitted by Ren Shres on Fri, 04/11/2014 - 08:33

I am studying business as my major in the university. The reason behind choosing business as my major is that in future I want to be a successful entrepreneur. If I become a successful entrepreneur I will earn lots of money, I can show people how smart I am, and it will give me an opportunity to contribute to my society.

Living luxurious life is important to me. If I became a successful entrepreneur I can earn lots of money. I can use this money to buy new clothes, fashionable jewelries, new cars and bigger house. In addition, I can support my family financially whenever they need money and this will make me happy.

To become a successful entrepreneur, you need to be smart. You have to have a quality of a leader. Therefore, if I become a successful businessperson, people will know that I am a smart girl. So people will respect me for my smartness. Everyone knows stupid people cannot become successful businessperson.

If I become successful entrepreneur I can create jobs for people because my company and office would need employees. Besides this, if I became a successful entrepreneur, I will give some of my profit to the local school in my community which lacks good infrastructures. This way I can serve to my society and people living there.

Becoming a successful entrepreneur is my dream. I want to be an entrepreneur in future because a successful business will give me a chance to live a luxurious life. Becoming a successful entrepreneur will prove my smartness, and also it will give me an opportunity to serve my community at the same time.

Votes
Average: 6.2 (12 votes)
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IELTS Writing Task II - IELTS Academic

Comments

flaws:
Avg. Sentence Length: 15.222 21.0

More compound or complex sentences wanted. Look, most sentences start with subject 'I'

Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 5.5 out of 9
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 18 15
No. of Words: 272 350
No. of Characters: 1261 1500
No. of Different Words: 123 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.069 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.602 4.6
Word Length SD: 3.112 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 88 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 59 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 48 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 39 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 15.222 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 6.892 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.444 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.427 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.623 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.175 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5

The essay is about 'my future career', so I think use of the word 'I' multiple times is expected. Is it bad to use 'I' more than once?

Was the essay evaluated by human or by a machine?
More complex sencences expected. Agreed.

Regarding to the ratings of my essay, do you mean longer sentences means higher marks? I think longer sentences are often more difficult and prone to mistakes. Am I wrong?

Please help me. I want to be a good essay writer.

Q: Is it bad to use 'I' more than once?
A: You can use "I" or other subjects more than once, but not always. Need more sentence varieties.

Q: Was the essay evaluated by human or by a machine?
A: Both. The rating system is like this:

Suppose mark A = Essay E-rater's mark
mark B = human grader's mark

the final mark = ( mark A + mark B )/ 2

Q: do you mean longer sentences means higher marks?
A: Not really. You should not always put short or simple sentences or long sentences.

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