The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, the proposed new jazz club in Monroe, the C-Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer; several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe; and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight at 7 P.M. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment."
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.
he author asserted that a jazz music club in Monroe would gain a huge profit in business, based on some statistics about the situation of local jazz clubs and some other relevant things. However, the argument is untenable in many ways for lacks of more comprehensive and entailed evidence from some surveys or statistics cited.
Firstly, the type of a jazz music club is claimed to be profitable but lacks comparison with other types of clubs like rock music club or country music club, which might be also profitable in such a town where many people prefer music as entertainment. Moreover, as an serious enterprise, according to the author’s argument a jazz music club seems to be a huge success. But in fact it might not be suitable for all the people who want to make some money in this area. For example, if a man is such a learned and skillful person who is good at running a company focus on architecture of some other field, than he will earn more money on architecture than running a club, which he is not good at. If some statistics affirmed that the profit made by a tiny club is far less than running a company then the words used by the author seem unproper.
Secondly, according to the author, the nearest jazz club is too far so the new club will make profit alone in the area. But we lack the evidence demonstrating that people near the town are not willing to drive so far to the jazz club. If they did some surveys and showed that the distance affected people’s behaviors severely then the new club has some reason to be founded.
Moreover, the fact that over 100,000 people attended a jazz festival in Monroe does not mean that large numbers will go to a jazz club in the city. For example, the people may have attended because the festival was free, or they could have traveled from afar to see a famous musician, but are not willing to come for a regular club venue.
What’s more, the fact that the highest-rated program in Monroe is “Jazz Nightly” does not necessarily indicate a preference for jazz. It could be the only music option at a popular listening time, so people turn it on rather than talk radio. It also could have high reviews merely because it airs often at a popular time. Furthermore, people may prefer listening to jazz as background music rather than attending a club specifically to listen to it. They also might not feel a need to attend a club because they can listen on the radio for free.
In sum, some more evidences need to be listed by the author in order to convince its clients that founding a new jazz club is a reasonable thing to do.
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Comments
e-rater score report
Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 3.5 out of 6
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 4 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 4 2
No. of Sentences: 18 15
No. of Words: 472 350
No. of Characters: 2072 1500
No. of Different Words: 210 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.661 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.39 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.389 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 122 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 89 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 57 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 28 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 26.222 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 8.121 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.833 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.355 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.355 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.125 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 1 5
Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 1, column 1, Rule ID: UPPERCASE_SENTENCE_START
Message: This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
Suggestion: He
he author asserted that a jazz music club ...
^^
Line 1, column 4, Rule ID: HE_VERB_AGR[1]
Message: The pronoun 'he' must be used with a third-person verb: 'authors'.
Suggestion: authors
he author asserted that a jazz music club in Monr...
^^^^^^
Line 2, column 14, Rule ID: KIND_OF_A[1]
Message: Don't include 'a' after a classification term. Use simply 'type of'.
Suggestion: type of
...eys or statistics cited. Firstly, the type of a jazz music club is claimed to be profit...
^^^^^^^^^
Line 2, column 267, Rule ID: EN_A_VS_AN
Message: Use 'a' instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
Suggestion: a
...er music as entertainment. Moreover, as an serious enterprise, according to the au...
^^
Line 2, column 696, Rule ID: SENTENCE_FRAGMENT[1]
Message: “If” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
...unning a club, which he is not good at. If some statistics affirmed that the profi...
^^
Line 5, column 292, Rule ID: ADVERB_WORD_ORDER[9]
Message: The adverb 'often' is usually put before the verb 'airs'.
Suggestion: often airs
...uld have high reviews merely because it airs often at a popular time. Furthermore, people ...
^^^^^^^^^^
Transition Words or Phrases used:
also, but, first, firstly, furthermore, however, if, may, moreover, second, secondly, so, then, for example, in fact
Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments
Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 19.0 19.6327345309 97% => OK
Auxiliary verbs: 15.0 12.9520958084 116% => OK
Conjunction : 11.0 11.1786427146 98% => OK
Relative clauses : 13.0 13.6137724551 95% => OK
Pronoun: 24.0 28.8173652695 83% => OK
Preposition: 54.0 55.5748502994 97% => OK
Nominalization: 8.0 16.3942115768 49% => More nominalizations (nouns with a suffix like: tion ment ence ance) wanted.
Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 2133.0 2260.96107784 94% => OK
No of words: 472.0 441.139720559 107% => OK
Chars per words: 4.51906779661 5.12650576532 88% => OK
Fourth root words length: 4.6610686524 4.56307096286 102% => OK
Word Length SD: 2.48127774809 2.78398813304 89% => OK
Unique words: 214.0 204.123752495 105% => OK
Unique words percentage: 0.453389830508 0.468620217663 97% => OK
syllable_count: 674.1 705.55239521 96% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.4 1.59920159681 88% => OK
A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 4.0 4.96107784431 81% => OK
Article: 6.0 8.76447105788 68% => OK
Subordination: 5.0 2.70958083832 185% => OK
Conjunction: 4.0 1.67365269461 239% => Less conjunction wanted as sentence beginning.
Preposition: 3.0 4.22255489022 71% => OK
Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 18.0 19.7664670659 91% => OK
Sentence length: 26.0 22.8473053892 114% => OK
Sentence length SD: 44.135488646 57.8364921388 76% => OK
Chars per sentence: 118.5 119.503703932 99% => OK
Words per sentence: 26.2222222222 23.324526521 112% => OK
Discourse Markers: 6.44444444444 5.70786347227 113% => OK
Paragraphs: 6.0 5.15768463074 116% => OK
Language errors: 6.0 5.25449101796 114% => OK
Sentences with positive sentiment : 13.0 8.20758483034 158% => OK
Sentences with negative sentiment : 3.0 6.88822355289 44% => More negative sentences wanted.
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 2.0 4.67664670659 43% => OK
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?
Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.296068430663 0.218282227539 136% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.108268671099 0.0743258471296 146% => OK
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.0730309229706 0.0701772020484 104% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.168094420766 0.128457276422 131% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.035453644205 0.0628817314937 56% => OK
Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 13.0 14.3799401198 90% => Automated_readability_index is low.
flesch_reading_ease: 62.01 48.3550499002 128% => OK
smog_index: 3.1 7.1628742515 43% => Smog_index is low.
flesch_kincaid_grade: 11.1 12.197005988 91% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 9.23 12.5979740519 73% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 7.47 8.32208582834 90% => OK
difficult_words: 76.0 98.500998004 77% => More difficult words wanted.
linsear_write_formula: 19.0 12.3882235529 153% => OK
gunning_fog: 12.4 11.1389221557 111% => OK
text_standard: 13.0 11.9071856287 109% => OK
What are above readability scores?
---------------------
Rates: 66.67 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 4.0 Out of 6
---------------------
Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.