The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufacturing.
During the past year, Quiot Manufacturing had 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than at the nearby Panoply Industries plant, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours. Experts say that significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers. Therefore, to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents at Quiot and thereby increase productivity, we should shorten each of our three work shifts by one hour so that employees will get adequate amounts of sleep.
The argument that lessening the shift time working by one hour in company Quiot, ensured by having positive effect of implementing this proposal in another company as well as Expert emphasize on negative effect of sleep shortage for workers on their job, will lead to decline of accident in the relevant company may seem logical at first glance. However the writer’s conclusion is based on some assumption that is not well provided with supportive evidence.
First of all, the writer asserts that the main reason of having 30 percent more on-job accident in company Q is due to higher time of shift working comparing to company P. in fact, there is no evidence tha support this assumption because there is no information about the main reason of accident in company P. it is likely that other factors caused accident for personnel while they were working. For example , a defect in electrical system or even safety devices might lead to a extensive fire in the company. So,these are things that could be a none human error accident.
Additionally, the notion that experts believe fatigue and depriving sleep is the main reason of on-job accident can not be a supportive evidence for reason of accident in company Q. ther is no definite information about timetable shift work in this company. For example, if shift changes being done in 8 Am in the morning, then lessening one hour would not noticeably effect on the amount of collar sleep. On the contrary if this happened in 6 Am. The situation would be on the contrary because at the early morning human needs more sleep than any othe time.
Finally, there is no evidence demonstrating that the reason of decline of accident in company P was only due to lessening shift time working. There could be other reason contributing in formation of accident in the company P.The writer conclusion would be strengthened if he presented a detailed information about the number and cause of accident in the plant P.
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Sentence: First of all, the writer asserts that the main reason of having 30 percent more on-job accident in company Q is due to higher time of shift working comparing to company P. in fact, there is no evidence tha support this assumption because there is no information about the main reason of accident in company P. it is likely that other factors caused accident for personnel while they were working.
Error: tha Suggestion: than
Sentence: Additionally, the notion that experts believe fatigue and depriving sleep is the main reason of on-job accident can not be a supportive evidence for reason of accident in company Q. ther is no definite information about timetable shift work in this company.
Error: ther Suggestion: No alternate word
Sentence: The situation would be on the contrary because at the early morning human needs more sleep than any othe time.
Error: othe Suggestion: other
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argument 1 -- OK
argument 2 -- not OK. maybe 30 percent more on-job accident in company Q is not due to fatigue and sleep deprivation among worker.
argument 3 -- not OK. maybe workers don't use the extra one hour for sleeping.
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Attribute Value Ideal
Score: ? out of 6
Category: Poor Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 3 2
No. of Sentences: 11 15
No. of Words: 336 350
No. of Characters: 1597 1500
No. of Different Words: 163 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.281 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.753 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.596 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 121 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 93 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 55 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 28 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 30.545 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 18.47 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.909 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.402 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.608 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.105 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 4 5