The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, the proposed new jazz club in Monroe, the C-Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer; several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe; and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight at 7 P.M. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment."
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.
The passage written by a group of developers in the city of Monroe claims that it would be immensely lucrative to open a new jazz club in Monroe due to several reasons. While this may seem plausible, this passage is rife with holes and assumptions and needs to be eradicated in order to maintain such claim. Such flaws would be discussed further in detail below.
First of all, it is undefined in the passage about the actual reason why over 100,000 people attend the Monroe's jazz festival every year. It could be easily misperceived that the reason so many people attend the festival is because citizens in Monroe have great affection towards jazz. However, people might actually be using this jazz festival in order to socialize and make new friends or meet someone new. Maybe the food that is being served in the booths are extremely delicious and are nowhere to be found in any restaurants in Monroe. For the passage to use this evidence to advocate its claim, it should provide clear reason to why the Monroe's jazz festival attracts 100,000 people annually.
Furthermore, the developers of Monroe assume that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe because several celebrated jazz musicians are living in Monroe and the main concept of the highest ranked radio program is jazz. However, the reason why the musicians are residing in Monroe might simply be because Monroe is a great place to live. Maybe it is a germane for musicians to write music because it is serene and enables them to easily focus on their musical talents. Also, it could be easily misinterpreted that the reason Jazz Nightly is the highest-rated radio program is because people love jazz. However, it could also be because the radio host is an extremely famous celebrity and already possessed many fans. For this evidence to successfully uphold the claim of the passage, substantial information about the reason why jazz musicians chose to live in Monroe and why the radio program ranked the highest needs to be clarified.
Last and foremost, the passage made a clear mistake assuming that people would generally love jazz because jazz entertainment earns approximately $1,000 every year. However, it has not been descripted how many fans the nationwide study conducted their study on. The amount could be negligible which is not enough to have any meaning or maybe typical jazz fans are all rich and $1,000 is just a piece of gum. The passage lacks of information about whether the jazz fans that participated in the study could be represented to all the jazz fans or even to general people nationwide.
To sum up, the passage might seem plausible that it would bring enormous profit to the Monroe if they open a new jazz club and even suggests several evidences that advocates its claim. However, in order for the group of developers in Monroe to maintain such claim, they should eliminate the mistakes they made such as, elucidating the reason why so many people are attracted to the jazz festival, clarifying the reason why citizens in Monroe love Jazz Nightly or why jazz musicians choose to live in Monroe, or check whether the jazz fans that were studied for the nationwide study are representative.
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Comments
e-rater score report
Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 4.0 out of 6
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 7 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 6 2
No. of Sentences: 20 15
No. of Words: 540 350
No. of Characters: 2598 1500
No. of Different Words: 214 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.821 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.811 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.514 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 184 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 130 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 76 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 53 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 27 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 11.662 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.55 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.37 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.568 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.104 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5
Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 2, column 1, Rule ID: WHITESPACE_RULE
Message: Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
Suggestion:
... be discussed further in detail below. First of all, it is undefined in the pas...
^^
Line 2, column 223, Rule ID: REASON_IS_BECAUSE[1]
Message: Probably an incorrect phrase. Use 'the reason 'is that''.
Suggestion: is that
...ason so many people attend the festival is because citizens in Monroe have great affection...
^^^^^^^^^^
Line 3, column 1, Rule ID: WHITESPACE_RULE
Message: Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
Suggestion:
...ival attracts 100,000 people annually. Furthermore, the developers of Monroe as...
^^
Line 3, column 664, Rule ID: FAMOUS_CELEBRITY[1]
Message: Use simply 'celebrity'.
Suggestion: celebrity
... because the radio host is an extremely famous celebrity and already possessed many fans. For th...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Line 4, column 1, Rule ID: WHITESPACE_RULE
Message: Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
Suggestion:
...ked the highest needs to be clarified. Last and foremost, the passage made a cl...
^^
Line 4, column 148, Rule ID: COMMA_PARENTHESIS_WHITESPACE
Message: Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
Suggestion: ,
...e jazz entertainment earns approximately ,000 every year. However, it has not been...
^^
Line 4, column 376, Rule ID: COMMA_PARENTHESIS_WHITESPACE
Message: Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
Suggestion: ,
...maybe typical jazz fans are all rich and ,000 is just a piece of gum. The passage ...
^^
Line 5, column 1, Rule ID: WHITESPACE_RULE
Message: Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
Suggestion:
... or even to general people nationwide. To sum up, the passage might seem plausi...
^^
Transition Words or Phrases used:
actually, also, first, furthermore, however, if, may, so, while, such as, first of all, to sum up
Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments
Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 36.0 19.6327345309 183% => OK
Auxiliary verbs: 15.0 12.9520958084 116% => OK
Conjunction : 16.0 11.1786427146 143% => OK
Relative clauses : 11.0 13.6137724551 81% => OK
Pronoun: 33.0 28.8173652695 115% => OK
Preposition: 61.0 55.5748502994 110% => OK
Nominalization: 6.0 16.3942115768 37% => More nominalizations (nouns with a suffix like: tion ment ence ance) wanted.
Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 2639.0 2260.96107784 117% => OK
No of words: 540.0 441.139720559 122% => OK
Chars per words: 4.88703703704 5.12650576532 95% => OK
Fourth root words length: 4.82057051367 4.56307096286 106% => OK
Word Length SD: 2.55175441947 2.78398813304 92% => OK
Unique words: 221.0 204.123752495 108% => OK
Unique words percentage: 0.409259259259 0.468620217663 87% => More unique words wanted or less content wanted.
syllable_count: 839.7 705.55239521 119% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.6 1.59920159681 100% => OK
A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 8.0 4.96107784431 161% => OK
Article: 7.0 8.76447105788 80% => OK
Subordination: 1.0 2.70958083832 37% => OK
Conjunction: 1.0 1.67365269461 60% => OK
Preposition: 2.0 4.22255489022 47% => More preposition wanted as sentence beginning.
Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 20.0 19.7664670659 101% => OK
Sentence length: 27.0 22.8473053892 118% => OK
Sentence length SD: 69.7161925237 57.8364921388 121% => OK
Chars per sentence: 131.95 119.503703932 110% => OK
Words per sentence: 27.0 23.324526521 116% => OK
Discourse Markers: 4.85 5.70786347227 85% => OK
Paragraphs: 5.0 5.15768463074 97% => OK
Language errors: 8.0 5.25449101796 152% => OK
Sentences with positive sentiment : 14.0 8.20758483034 171% => OK
Sentences with negative sentiment : 0.0 6.88822355289 0% => More negative sentences wanted.
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 6.0 4.67664670659 128% => OK
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?
Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.284654540657 0.218282227539 130% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.104954762559 0.0743258471296 141% => OK
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.0758843999461 0.0701772020484 108% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.182458300619 0.128457276422 142% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.0483248602123 0.0628817314937 77% => OK
Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 15.1 14.3799401198 105% => OK
flesch_reading_ease: 44.07 48.3550499002 91% => OK
smog_index: 8.8 7.1628742515 123% => OK
flesch_kincaid_grade: 13.8 12.197005988 113% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 11.38 12.5979740519 90% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 7.72 8.32208582834 93% => OK
difficult_words: 94.0 98.500998004 95% => OK
linsear_write_formula: 11.0 12.3882235529 89% => OK
gunning_fog: 12.8 11.1389221557 115% => OK
text_standard: 11.0 11.9071856287 92% => OK
What are above readability scores?
---------------------
Rates: 66.67 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 4.0 Out of 6
---------------------
Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.